Creeper's Guide To Thanksgiving
The Art Of Giving To Receive
It’s that time of year again, the time when Americans start
thinking about what they’re thankful for. Your news feed is probably already
starting to clog with thinly veiled brags, where your friends list all the
things they have that they know will make you jealous. And yet, despite these annoyances,
Thank Goodness It’s Finally November! If there’s one thing to be grateful for
this time of year, it’s that Santa Claus and his giant sleigh filled with loot
are coming to town. The art of gift giving and receiving is a rich, highly
complex subject that weighs on all American minds this time of year. Today’s
lesson, Creeps, is The Art of Giving to Receive.
Getting Your Potty On: A Quick Guide To Bathroom Etiquette
You probably think the
bedroom is where the magic happens. Well think again!! Contrary to popular
belief, the most magical room in a house is actually the crapper. Someone could
probably write a whole book on bathroom etiquette as it relates to dating, but
you’re a busy woman who doesn’t have time for all that. In the interest of
saving you from hours of studying page after page of bathroom wisdom, we’ve
provided a quick breakdown for how to get your potty on.
Hot N Sexy Pumpkin Stencils
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| Condom + Safety Pin = Recipe for Romance |
Closing Your Grand Canyon: A Non-Essential Relationship Shutdown Guide
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| You could be headed for emotional bankruptcy |
Three Ways To Deal When You’ve Been Dumped
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| You just can't let him go, can you? |
Your friends won’t answer your calls because they think it’s time you moved on (“you only knew him for like a week!” they bitchily remind you). Your mom never calls you back anyway, even when things are going great. You’ve maxed out your PTO and you’re not even close to turning the corner. You are wallowing, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop you. WELL LISTEN UP!! You need to stop being such a pathetic, moaning worm. It’s disgusting and it gives women a bad reputation. Your first mistake was giving yourself the free time to give a single shit about a person who thinks less of you than that pair of jeans he’s had since he was 14 years old, and your second mistake was not immediately pulling yourself up by your thong straps and moving on. But you’re, hopefully, a beginner in The Dating Game, so we will cut you some slack. This week we’ll take a look into the world of break ups, starting with the three easy ways to get over your boo when you haven’t been hardwired to move on naturally.
Choosing Your Best Diet Adventure
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FrEaKy FuMbLeZ: Fantasy Footballing Like A Creep
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| Follow our advice or you'll look like a rookie. |
In the interest of saving you a major headache and a minor chunk of change, we have compiled our best advice for this year's fantasy football season. You don't have to be a football fan to get some "bang" for your buck. With our advice and a little luck, you will have the fantasy football season of a lifetime.
Ask A Creep
Dear Creep, |
| 2 besties in bed. What could possibly go wrong? |
What do I do if I want to date my best friend who is HIV positive? He’s the first guy friend that I’ve ever had, and I am totally in love with him.
Love,
Boner for Buddy
6 Healthy Relationship Tips
Habit #1: Keeping A Relationship Scorecard
Catfishing for Champions
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| Who he thinks he's talking to VS Who he's actually talking to |
Read on for some great tips on how to reveal your most charming qualities and make an impression he'll never forget....
Hacking the Mack: How to get game spit all over you
Have you ever felt like you’re less than perfect? That was a stupid question, because obviously you’re not perfect. I mean, if you’re reading this, Patti Stanger, you’re clearly the only exception to the rule. Everyone else? Get real. |
| Every girl longs to be looked at this way. |
Making the Crop: How to Fashion a Strong Presence on His Instagram Feed
How To Milk The Connubial Cow
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| Don't let yourself be outshined. |
This weekend
I attended a gorgeous wedding at a private estate. It was filled with plenty of
tear-jerking moments, from the look of the father as he gave the bride away, to
touching toasts to the happy couple, but the thing that brought me to my knees
was the shocking fact that no one had outdone the bride. It was immediately apparent that most everyone
had forgotten the most important, unwritten rule of weddings: always look better than the bride.
Is this relationship, like, over?
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| Forehead kisses: A sure sign that he is over you. |
Fashion Fails: The Ugly Truth about Style
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| Hipster Dad or Really Bad? |
Though some
men may want you to believe otherwise, love is not blind. The fashiondisabled men out there have been
conspiring, since the early nineties, to make women believe that it’s not the
outside that counts. If you’ve met a man and he’s making you feel funny, in
that “I don’t think this is the trendy
kind of ironic” way, you need to listen to your gut. When the glow of
newness fades, and you start to see your dude the way the rest of the world
sees him, all you will be left with is a pair of saggy balls and a pile of
tickets from the fashion police.
Major Hotties
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| This girl learned a thing or two in school. |
When my mother took me to check out
colleges, she had a clearly defined agenda: finding me some Serious Marriage
Material (SMM). At the conclusion of
our first campus tour, when our guides asked if we had any questions about the
school, my mom had the question we were all trying to work up the guts to ask:
what percentage of incoming freshmen end up getting married to someone they
meet here?
It's the Bachelorette final FOUR, baby
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| Drill, Baby, Drill |
Zak is the guy who drills for oil in bumble-fuck Texas, who the producers hilariously still refer to as Zak W., Drilling Fluid Engineer. While all the other remaining four Bachelor hunks have moonlit as male models, Zak actually seems like he's got some brains in that sad head-cavity of his.
Ask a Creep
Dear Creep,The guy I have been dating just relapsed on meth and got sent away to a detox program. This was the first time I had tons of sex in 28 months, so it really sucks. How do I move on from this?
Love,
Horny Creeper
Dear Horny,
I'm having a shitty day and what I want to do is tell you how fucking bored in the face your post makes me--but I digress. I would like to first congratulate you on finding a partner who is on the same page as you sexually. Sexual compatibility is important because the alternative is you end up like these sad ladies. That said, there are lots of reasons why it's okay to compromise a little in the bedroom. Sometimes, stupid things like: personality and a sense of humor, outweigh the benefits of having sex that leaves you raw and semi-comatose.
Beasts - A Pretty Good Option
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| Most guys just CAN'T get enough eggs! |
In your little town, full of little people, the dateable
guys for you to choose from are few and far between. You’re probably surrounded
by provincial nobodies who are
obsessed with hunting and eating eggs. Is it so much to ask that there be one
dude who is literate and worthy of your beauty? If you’ve found yourself in
such a situation, there is reason to sing out! Chances are, there’s a beast in
a castle, living right in your backyard.
You Have Got to Start Planning Your Wedding NOW
Every Creep knows that nailing down a good venue for your wedding needs to be done years in
Expiration Dating
It PAYS to be FreAkY
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| Daniel Craig, yeah, I'd flog that |
You can read more about the study here.
"Accidental" Shopping Sprees
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| This lil creep knows how to get what she wants. |
So you’re sitting around at your boyfriend’s house, waiting
for him to get out of the shower, when you notice his cell phone is just sitting
right there, on the other side of his house. And what’s this? No password to
unlock it?! While most dating sites would tell you that this is the prime time for
a little snooping (only his texts, emails, chats, and facebook of course, you’re
already privy to all that there is on instagram), it’s our opinion that your
first move should be opening up his EBay app. Only yesterday, a 14 month old creep
bought herself a vintage car on her dad’s smartphone. It’s an honest mistake
that anyone
could make, so why shouldn’t you be the one to make it?
Surviving your beach ROMANCE
Many of you may be thinking, I want to find a summer fling, some beach bum hottie I can use like a Shamwow and then discard at the end of summer. But, you're also thinking: I saw Sharknado last night and I'd rather not be thrashed and shredded by a shark flying through the air, total fucking bummer. While I totally understand and sympathize, with this completely rational fear, there are other pressing dangers to romancing by the shore. We've got your dpf (douche bag protection factor) right here, along with your shark stabbing pool cue and chainsaw through the jaws. |
| She's a real heart breaker |
MasterChef – Dating Edition
Arguing to win
Yet another 'scientific' study shows what all you creepers should know by now: everything is power based and WINNING! In a study of 498 married people, the individuals were asked to think back on one argument and what their stupid, always wrong, spouse could do to make them stop being so dumb all the time. Surprise, when the answers were categorized a majority had to do with power or specifically, the relinquishment of. I mean, duh if you're the more right person, you should make all the decisions. It's important to not fight but it's more important to be in charge--important enough to fuel most fights. Steps towards harmony include convincing your partner he is always wrong and giving lots of blow jobs.King Joffrey – The Hottest Guy, Ever.
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| The definition of Dreamboat. |
If there is one man in the seven kingdoms who deserves all
the blow jays, it’s King Joffrey Baratheon. One part Jaime, one part Cercei,
one hundred percent sweet boning magic, this guy is where it’s at. Joffrey knows
how to rule with an iron hand, and an iron dick. So like, duhhh, you know every girl wants to sit upon his iron throne.
*SpOiLeR aLeRt*
How to dump your man like you mean it
Part of being a player is knowing how and when to give your man the pink slip. Sometimes a bitch has to chose a main dick and sometimes she has to let one go, that's the cycle of creepin'. You just never know what your man is going to do that will cause you to have a change of heart. Maybe he's got his mom's cell stored under 'first love', maybe he wears those fingered shoes or sounds like a Keebler elf when he talks--whatever it is, he's made himself ineligible to squirt on your gene pool.
When a Bitch is a Bitch Face
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| Kristen Stewart, classic bitch-face |
If you look at the most powerful women in the world, sure they know how to smile, but they are also hard bitches through and through. A woman's expression is hers to distribute as she pleases, if she smiled all the time you'd think you were doing something right (you're actually fucking up) and self esteem would skyrocket (dangerously). Now, I get the urge to be universally liked--it's what drives politicians to lie and Gweneth Paltrow towards self-righteousness--but being disliked is always the likelier outcome of your efforts (Goopy, just stop, it's embarrassing).
Your man's testes have tasters
Yeah, you know why if it's good it's, "balls deep." Now, science explains why: testicles have taste receptors. These taste receptors are everywhere on our bodies, even in our butts (we can have that conversation another time). Apparently, when you take the taste receptors away from the balls, it causes sterility. A new form of birth control?
You can check out the study here
Strategic Cat Planning
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| You can even take steps to make yourself look more cat-like! |
Men
love pussy. Some may call it hormones, some may call it toxoplasma
gondii, and yet others will call it good taste. For whatever the reason,
men equate cats with purrrfection.
STUDY SHOWS: MEN APPEASE WOMEN TO AVOID HEART ATTACK
Sup hoes, The Washington Post reports, "researchers from the University of Arizona found that, for couples who cooperate well, men tend to mimic their partner’s mood while women try to regulate their partner’s emotions." While it's always good to be skeptical of government funded pseudo-scientific studies, anything that bolsters the argument (reality) that the top dog is always a bitch, gets a pass around here.You can read the entire article here.
Unlocking your hidden potential
We all know that guys like a challenge. When we constantly beg them for moments of their time, just the tiniest bit of attention, they shut down and ignore us, causing us to suffer. We sit for hours, staring at a picture of our man (the one we bribed the receptionist at his office to take) hoping that our undying attention will manifest itself into reciprocal emotion. Maybe if we love him hard enough, or pay enough attention to every detail about him, he will see how truly wonderful we are…
Wake UP, ladies! It’s time to face the truth. Guys want someone special, someone whose moves they can’t predict. The only way to catch a man is to be elusive, and to be elusive, you must be versatile. You may believe that mothering your three cats makes you versatile enough, but girl, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. A real woman of mystery is more complex, harder to pin down. The true woman of versatility has not one personality, but many, which she can summon forth at a moment’s notice. Read on to unlock your hidden potential...
Five Steps to Sex-ify Your Room
So you’ve met that special someone and you’re ready to take the relationship to the next level… the Sex Level. The only problem is that your bedroom is totally generic and bland.FEAR NOT! By following these five simple steps, you can turn snooze central into sexy station.
How to be popular like Amanda Bynes
If you’ve been anywhere near the internet this past month, you’ve probably noticed how much ATTENTION that Amanda Bynes has been getting from the media. With over 1 million followers on twitter she is finally having her day in the sun. If you want to be top dog like Amanda follow her cue. We’ve done our research and now we want to share the simple steps you can take to better emulate your new bestie, Amanda Bynes and catch your dream boy. You may not be “in the Mary-Kate and Ashley type of wealth [category],” but hey, if you have both thumbs and a twitter account, you've already won half of the battle.Drinking & Dating
Think back to the funnest night you’ve had in the last couple months. Were you drinking that night? If you’re the average person, the answer to that question is: yEeEsSsS!! #yolo #becomeadonor #myliverhurts. Drinking makes everything better, and that includes dating. If you are with a potential mate, we advise you to impose a three drink minimum, but if that guy is cute, you will obviously multiply that number by three.
We’ve sifted through countless “case studies” (personal experience) and have boiled down the top 7 reasons why you should open up that gullet and chug.
Don’t let that man turn into your missed connection!
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You know what I’m talking about here. You see the guy (what a hunk!) and your
tongue turns to rubber and your knees give out—all that confidence you’ve been
building up in zumba class turns to nothing, just like that—it really makes you
think, what is the point of
exercising anyway? I mean, we gals do
everything we can to inflate our self esteem and then that rando babe, who just
cut in line for the ATM, makes us lose our freaking cool? Well, I personally can’t answer that question
for you because I have abnormally high self esteem but for you losers out
there, we have some great tips for how to keep your cool around that stranger
who's smoking hot.
Choosing the Right Ho-Tag
We live
in the age of advertisements. Our Facebook news feeds are crammed with them,
our youtubes are slowed by them, and our favorite man to dream about while
teasing the tuna taco makes them. Ads are everywhere, and can be placed
anywhere, which means, little lady, that you may not be taking full advantage
of the ad space you’ve been given.
“What the frick does that mean?” you might be asking.
Well,
you probably already knew that wearing a Nike swoosh across your boobs says to
the world, “I only blow athletic dudes,”
but did you realize that you can send guys messages on your SKIN TOO?!?! After
extensive amounts of research, we’ve found five lower back tattoos that even
Don Draper would be sold on.
How To Get Cinderella’s Guy
Have you ever seen that guy? That guy who, when you walk into a room, pulls your eyes to him like a magnet set on hyperdrive? God, you look at that guy and your eyes kind of cross because you’re like: Woah. Your face. So beautiful. Can’t. Look. Away.
Yeah, we’ve all seen that guy. And we’ve all reveled in the moment of possibility when he could totally be single, when he could totally be the one...
Managing your Man
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So, you’ve found your dream boy
(finally), but he’s got all this BAGGAGE. Okay, some of this baggage
isn’t going away. Those annoying parents? Yeah, you can’t send them to rot in
Florida, so you’d better just get used to having those farts around.
That really boring and UNATTRACTIVE dog he owns? It’s like his child
(thank god he doesn’t have one of those), so again, stuck with it. Then
there are the things that are easier to deal with: he has a stupid wardrobe?
Well, burn it, duh. A subscription to FHM? Cancel it, stupid.
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| Get them inebriated and then attack! |
And then, worst of all, there are those
icky, stupid, stinky, unmotivated blobs of life that he calls his BEST
FRIENDS. You know, the friends he’s known since 10th grade,
when they met and became close because they both liked smoking pot and happened
to go to the same school—ah, the stuff lifelong friendships are made of.
By this point you know that when you bring up how much you hate his friends it
doesn’t go too go well. And you’re thinking, “Help me! How do I get rid
of these guys?” If he’s had these friends as long as I’m assuming he’s had
them, they are like family to him, you just can’t disown them for him.
Also, if you tell him you don’t want him hanging out with these losers, he
might think you’re “controlling” or maybe even “psychopathic,” which is the
exact opposite image you want to cultivate for your dream lover (“I’m not
crazy, I’m not crazy!”). So you’re thinking now, “Oh my god, there isn’t
anything I can do—I’m stuck getting brunch with these ass-wipes for the rest of
my life”—but fear not, Gentle Reader, because I have some sure-fire ways to get
these boobs out of your life for good.
So You Don't Make the Same Mistake that JJ Made
Hello my darlings,Today the internet has gifted us with some great examples of what to do, and what not to do, when it comes to post-sex texts. The following texts are a classic example of how easy it is to cross the line from being cute, communicative, and passionate, to being a slutty bitch who makes people uncomfortable to be around. I'll analyze each screen shot, pointing out for you what works, and what hurts.
First off the bat, we would like to congratulate JJ on her aggressive texting approach. This is the year 2013, people. Women no longer have to wait for men to initiate the first post-coital communication. JJ's instinct to spend all of her free time with Kevin is exactly the kind of thing we encourage. It shows your man that you are available, interested, and not a hermit-loser. We'd like to add that the winky face was an excellent flirty touch, as evinced by Kevin's willingness to wink back at her.
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