How To Milk The Connubial Cow
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| Don't let yourself be outshined. |
This weekend
I attended a gorgeous wedding at a private estate. It was filled with plenty of
tear-jerking moments, from the look of the father as he gave the bride away, to
touching toasts to the happy couple, but the thing that brought me to my knees
was the shocking fact that no one had outdone the bride. It was immediately apparent that most everyone
had forgotten the most important, unwritten rule of weddings: always look better than the bride.
Looking
better than the bride has nothing but positive consequences. Channel your inner
magnet and attract all the attention in the room. When all eyes are on you, you
will not only catch the future Mr. Creep, you will also maintain a healthy
dynamic of complete power over your newly wedded friend.
First thing’s
first: you can’t reign over a subject
who isn’t loyal. Let the bride have her day, calculatingly earning her
trust, indebting her to your eternal service. The trick is for her to think you
are being generous as you bask in your snake skin bikini, soaking in all her
lime light. Don’t disturb her peace as she gets ready, takes pictures, or even
during her vows. Sit in your Plain Jane dress, or perhaps in your bridesmaid
dress if you are one of her chosen few, and tolerate the lack of attention.
Timing is everything, and as the bride and groom suck face, throwing away years
of exciting dating potential, you can escape to a changing room and prepare for
your grand reentry.
And then,
just when you are about to drown in anonymity, sashay into the reception,
swathed in white tulle and lace. Maybe instead of perfume, you carry a bouquet.
A tiara can only help your cause. The second you found a Save The Date in your
mailbox, you were prepared to dive, head first, into a pile of taffeta.
Ideally, you discovered the bride’s budget early on, finding yourself a dress
at triple the cost and triple the class. It’s worth it, trust me.
When the
bride sees you, the standard which she could never live up to, she immediately
feels gratitude that you waited until the reception to outshine her. She’s
grateful to have been the center of attention until the moment that she’d
legally ensnared her hubby, and she understands that, now that her life is
over, it’s your moment in the sun.
When the
bachelors see you in your dress, they immediately become blinded to any other
woman in the room. All eyes, hands, and dicks will be on you. Be prepared to
break a few hearts, keeping in mind that ambiguous
rejections do more harm than good. Simply tell the lesser of the candidates
that the idea of having to spend any time in close proximity to them makes you
physically ill.
Scan the party
to find your top five contenders, narrowing the selection down to three by the
end of the night. It’s essential to
leave yourself with multiple options because you never know when one of
these guys will have stupid obligations come up, like “work” or “hanging with
the guys.”
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