MasterChef – Dating Edition
It’s a rare thing to find a man who can cook. But think about it, when you’ve finished your long day of surfing the net and picking your brats up from the nanny’s house, it’s nice to come home to a warm dinner on the table.
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| Soon he'll be saying, "Yes, deer?" |
Everyone knows cooking is hazardous. One careless move and you could chip the freshly marbled polish on your Pinterest happy nails. I heard a story of a woman who, mid-flambé, singed off her eyebrows, forever disfiguring herself in the eyes of her lover. Don’t let this happen to you! While your man is still captivated by your glow of newness, it’s in your best interest to subtly begin training him to cook for you.
Start him off slow. Go over the basics, like scrambled eggs and beef wellington. As he progresses, present him with challenges. Dangle incentives, so he participates; morning sex for sea scallops, or a hug and maaaybe a kiss after work for a lovely gruyere and ham quiche. Like Pavlov’s dog, he’ll become conditioned to these interactions, and before you know it, you’ll even be able to dole out punishments! Did he overcook the risotto? Call him a donkey and give him a pressure test. If he can’t perfectly cook chicken in three ways, in under 40 minutes, let him go; he can find someone else to come crawling home to every night.
Now, you may be thinking to yourself, but I want Gordon Ramsay, I don’t want to be him. Have you ever noticed how people who hang around each other develop the same habits? Just like how friends develop inside jokes, your man will start interacting with you in a competitive, cooking oriented way. Before you know it, you'll be the one with a pan in her hand, getting slapped her donkey slapped.
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| The moment when the punished becomes the punisher. |
Unfortunately, turning your mate into a MasterChef isn't always possible. This is the true test of a man's date-ability. If, after weeks of training, he remains unable to whip your meringue, let someone else turn that lemon into lemonade.
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