8 Compelling Reasons To Broadcast Your Sex Life To The World

1:09 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

You’ve been freshly pounded like a Whac-A-Mole cabinet after an 8 year old’s birthday party, so like, what the hell else are you gonna do but reach for your phone? Your gut is telling you it’s time to tell the whole world, but a little voice inside your head is reminding you that you haven’t read very many statuses that say, “Woo! Just got nailed by @HunkyDreamboat!!”

You are stumped. You know there are so many reasons to notify your followers, but a tiny part of you thinks there might be a downside to flapping your lips. Well, my sweet preciouses, this tiny part of you is simply your inner loser, rearing her fugly head, and she needs to be crushed. We've outlined 8 basic reasons to post about your sex life to social media, so get ready to blab, bitches, because the world is your oyster, and you're going to slurp it up.

Reason #1: Everyone's going to find out anyways

Let's be real... you're not one to keep a secret. If the news is juicy, you're going to find a reason to spill it again, and again, and again. Your boss will ask about your weekend and out it will slip. Your mom will ask if you've visited your brother in the hospital yet and whoops!, you're recounting all the ways your ugly has been getting bumped. Take control of the situation and reveal the news to everyone at once. That way, you can easily dive into the details when you're face-to-face with a follower ("So... you know my latest status update? OMG...").

This leads us to...
Reason #2: The doors to communication will be opened
A toast: To ME!!
Sometimes it can be difficult to steer a conversation back to yourself. People can be really selfish, talking about boring shit that has nothing to do with you. God, sometimes you wish you could just clone yourself and fucking forget all the other losers you're affiliated with, but it's only 2014, and that is sadly not a viable option yet. So, throw your dogs (followers) a juicy bone (status update) so they can wag their tails at you (ask you for details). 

Reason #3: Keeping quiet tells the world you're ashamed

Since everyone is going to find out about this (from you) anyways, they’re going to wonder why you didn’t just post about your sexploits on the ‘book in the first place. They’re going to spend countless hours thinking about it. They’re going to start to believe you’re ashamed that you couldn’t catch a better bone. They’re going to realize that you’re a fucking dork. And then you’re going to have to move to another town and reinvent yourself, and frankly? you’re fucking sick of watching movers dent your wooden dildo shrine as you shuffle from town to town.

Reason # 4: It shows guys you're fuckable

When someone reads a status that talks about getting laid, they immediately think, "Sex." Specifically, when a guy reads that your curtains have been parted, he thinks "Her have vagina, me have dick. Beep Boop Beep Beep." All of a sudden, you're on his radar.

Reason #5: You will seem popular

Those girls who constantly chuckle about your frequent drunk Friday night selfies with the cats (Caption: Just hangin' with my bestiezz) will realize that you're not as lame as they thought you were. You are bagging dudes right and left, and you're secure enough with yourself to talk about it. Everyone knows you're only popular if you're popular with the boys, so do yourself a favor and spread the word already.

Reason #6: You have to assert your internet dominance

Internet dominance applies not only to the man who has given you a lesson in the art of the body, it applies to your whole community of friends, and friends of friends. If your status gets a lot of likes and shares, your friend's followers will end up seeing your status, and before you know it, pretty much everyone will see it, and you'll be trending, and when you're trending, you're ruling the internet, and when that happens you're on top of the world. You will have made it; you will have asserted your internet dominance.

Reason #7: It scares away your competition

If you tag your horizontal dance coach when posting the good news, all of his admirers will know he's been sullied. You post marks your territory. Is this thing on? Why haven't you posted yet?!

Reason #8: Everything is a competition

Welcome to reality. It's time to start winning.