Catfishing for Champions
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| Who he thinks he's talking to VS Who he's actually talking to |
Read on for some great tips on how to reveal your most charming qualities and make an impression he'll never forget....
You have spent morning, afternoon, and nightly conversations with this stallion, creating a persona that you probably can’t quite live up to IRL. In order to remind him of your wit and sex appeal when you’re actually face-to-face and can’t blame conversational lag time on getting another cup of tea, simply print out every conversation you’ve ever had with this hunk, and create a FuNkY fReSh wallpaper for your apartment wallz.
If the conversations that you guys have had aren’t good enough, and in retrospect you realize they could have totally gone better, make up your own versions and print those out too! It’s really not that hard to make a word document with text that mimics a real life gchat convo. And let’s be real here. Men don’t really hear anything that a woman says, at least not the first time! Chances are, your man is doing his best to remember the differences between what you and 42069hunnie were discussing on the night in question, so a couple of elaborations will go completely unnoticed. When he steps inside your door, quickly lock lips, sucking face as you silently lock all seven locks on your door. (This guy isn’t going anywhere). As you sexily bang your head against the wall, your dude’s eyes will slowly open. It’s now that you can call his attention to these sexy, forgotten conversations. Remind him how smart you are as he desperately tries to hold your head still, out of a genuine fear for your well-being. Say things like “remember how smart you thought I was?” as you blow frantic air kisses at him. This type of behavior is irresistible to every man.
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| "What was I supposed to do today?" |
You should also create new email addresses for fake women before your date, to see how he deals with temptation. Often times, it’s tough to tell if a guy is really ready to throw in the towel and dedicate himself to a main creep. In order to be sure, since you don’t yet have his gmail password, you’re going to have to create a few illusions to test your man’s loyalty. Invent a few other email addresses, as well as corresponding facebook profiles, to try and catch him in the act of cheating. If he brushes off your attempts, you can be sure that he’s ready to start sowing his seeds and that his lawyers have probably already drafted your prenup.
Even though you’re not yet facebook friends, you probably have access to a few pictures of your date. Most people have neglected to privatize one or more of the pictures of themselves online. A simple google search can pull up one to five thousand sexy pictures of the future Mr. Creep! Print these pics out and plaster them up on the walls with your conversation wallpaper to make your man feel more comfortable. Most people love the way they look, so when he realizes he is surrounded by his favorite person, he will breathe a sigh of relief because he is home, at last.
While you’re looking for pictures of him, it’s a good idea to scour his friends list, so that on the night of your date you can drop the names of his friends like you know them intimately. Relationships typically fail when a guy starts to think he can’t introduce a girl to the guys because she is too lame or high maintenance. If you get him to believe you already know his crew (in the biblical sense), he’ll assume that they like you. Otherwise they’d stop returning your calls, right? If you’ve banged at least three of them, you can’t be that bad, and therefore, they will totally be jealous, thus perpetuating the power dynamic and self image that your man is so desperate to project.
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| Make sure he doesn't spot you! |
It’s absolutely critical that you go to his house before your night together so you can observe, through binoculars, his night time ritual. Without this step, how would you be sure to have his special kind of toothpaste and other night time regimen products? Worst case scenario: he just feels comfortable, unconsciously appreciating your identical hygiene preferences. Best case scenario: he gets down on one knee and pledges his eternal loyalty to you, and you haven’t even given this guy a blowjay!
The final step that you should take before meeting your future baby daddy face-to-face involves scoping out his wardrobe. You have to go to his office and sneak a glimpse of the shirts he wears to work. Once you’ve figured out what his go-to shirts are, you can find a duplicate version for yourself and wear it on your first night together. This will ease the transition between first date and first day of the rest of your lives. Because, whether he knows it or not, he’ll be
waking up beside you every day, until death do you part.
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