Hacking the Mack: How to get game spit all over you

10:32 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

Have you ever felt like you’re less than perfect? That was a stupid question, because obviously you’re not perfect. I mean, if you’re reading this, Patti Stanger, you’re clearly the only exception to the rule. Everyone else? Get real.

Every girl longs to be looked at this way.

The trouble with the sexual revolution is that, as society has become more accepting of non-puritanical practices, people have begun to raise their standards. It is no longer enough to be a skank on the street corner, we now have to meet all kinds of ridiculous expectations like “smelling good” or “being talkative and engaging.” Sometimes, it just feels like there’s nothing we can do to get hit on. But that, my dearest lovelies, is why you’re right here, reading this blog.

One obvious way to get hit on is to join the cast of The Bachelor and become the favorite contestant who ultimately gets rejected so that the powers that be bring you back as The Bachelorette for the next season. The bachelors in your season will be striving for their chance at becoming the next Bachelor, so they will fall all over themselves to appear interested and irresistible to you. This is a rare situation to find yourself in, so soak it up. This will literally be the last time any guy pretends that you’re worth more than the cows your dad paid him to take you off his calloused, proletarian hands. From here on out, you’re in for unanswered text messages and the eternal sinking feeling that you took a wrong turn somewhere between “I like the person you make yourself out to be in front of a national audience” and “I do,” and ended up in some cow-town version of happily ever after.  

This chick knows where to go to get some attention!

Another way to find guys who are desperate enough to fall all over you, is to crash a guy’s night out when everyone is pretty much 40 minutes away from totally blacking out. If you time your entrance correctly, you’ll be the first woman they’ve seen in 5 hours (which is 45 years in guy time), and they will be extremely drunk and ready to bang. Remember: beer goggles are a girl’s best friend. Not only will pretty much every guy be wrapped around your little finger, spewing out pick up lines and vomit, but you’ll also be guaranteed a crash spot, so you can feel free to drink until you drop!

Lots of desperate guys hang out at strip clubs. For some reason, the environmental conditions of scantily clad women, glittery sweat, and bangin jamz brings out the inner hornball in lots of guys. Since most men fall madly in love with the dancers on stage, your goal is to appear to be a dancer. Hang out near the backstage of the club, wearing not very many clothes, like a metallic swim suit and a belly chain for example. It doesn’t have to be an over-the-top outfit. Stick to basics, like mesh dresses or even tastefully placed bits of string. The key is to appear pissed off when guys approach, as if they are disturbing you on your break. Guys like what they can’t have, so the more distant, annoyed, and aloof you can be, while also being mostly naked, the more macking you will receive.


If you have any kind of intelligence, you’ve probably been rolling your eyes the whole time you’ve been reading this, because these have all been super obvious suggestions. For those of you who have tried all of the above, and are totally out of any better ideas, I present to you: The Last Resort. If you have come to the realization that you can’t even get a guy to turn his head when you’re essentially naked and he’s so drunk he sees four of you, then you are going to have start shelling out the big bucks to get the attention you deserve. You are going to have to buy or rent a house on the same block as the local high school, so that you can sunbathe on the front lawn at noon, while the students are milling around on their lunch break. High school boys are notoriously full of hormones. All they can think about is sex because, for the first time in their lives, they are getting boners! Even the most reserved turtleneck can send a high school boy running to the bathroom. So when these boys see you, covered head to toe in baby oil, winking and blowing kisses, they will immediately need to get their rocks off. You will have so many pick up lines coming your way, you won’t know what hit you. The entire block will be swarming with boys who are waiting to pay tribute to your splendor. All this attention can get overwhelming. You may start having dreams about your dad being a baker, or astronauts, or angels falling from heaven. If it gets to be too much, take a day or two off from sun bathing. By this time, your skin will probably be getting pretty leathery anyways. Treat yourself to some alone time inside your dark living room, peering through the curtains with your cats, secretly watching hundreds of boys impatiently waiting for you to make an appearance. At the end of the day, you’ll still only have your man pillow to snuggle up to at night, but at least you’re getting some kind of attention, right?