King Joffrey – The Hottest Guy, Ever.
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| The definition of Dreamboat. |
If there is one man in the seven kingdoms who deserves all
the blow jays, it’s King Joffrey Baratheon. One part Jaime, one part Cercei,
one hundred percent sweet boning magic, this guy is where it’s at. Joffrey knows
how to rule with an iron hand, and an iron dick. So like, duhhh, you know every girl wants to sit upon his iron throne.
*SpOiLeR aLeRt*
Joffrey is a hot leader who you don’t question. If he told
you to wear Nike’s and drink the Kool-Aid, you’d do it without batting an
eyelash.
More importantly, he is a brutal leader. He will kill
someone for the smallest offense, so you’re always on your toes around him.
When the court composer wrote a super shitty song about when Joffrey took Ned Stark’s
head, Joffrey laid down the law and lopped off his head. When Tyrion got him a
couple sub-par prostitutes, he didn’t skip a beat, ordering one to shove his
scepter in the other’s hoo-ha.
Regular guys are so boring in comparison. When George R. R.
Martin goes on and on about that pussy Jon Snow and his adventures north of the
wall, you just have to roll your eyes; obviously this guy does not know his audience.
Even Cercei has no power over Joffrey. We all know that mama’s
boys are the worst. They always choose their mom’s side over yours, and they
always have inconvenient plans together (um, tell her to take herself to chemo, you guys have a date
with the DVD player). With Joffrey, you don’t have to worry about that. Joffrey
would burn Cercei at the stake if she disagreed with him in front of the small
council.
And that’s another thing. Joffrey could never have actually
been into that simpering Stark girl. Sansa is such a wet blanket. She gets to
spend all this time at Joffrey’s side, witnessing all that action and death,
and all she can do is sniffle and gasp through her shivering, pathetic lips,
and conspire behind his back to escape to the North on a silk ship. And she
clearly has no flair for southern fashions. I mean, she could be a farmer in
those clothes.
I don’t know about you, but when I go to bed at night, I dream
that I’m Danaerys Targaryen, mother of dragons, and in my dream I’m giving a
thorough and attentive blow jay to the hottest guy in all the seven kingdoms,
King Joffrey Baratheon, while my dragons breathe fire on and reduce to ash all
those Podunk towns outside the capitol.
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