Surviving your beach ROMANCE

3:39 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Many of you may be thinking, I want to find a summer fling, some beach bum hottie I can use like a Shamwow and then discard at the end of summer.  But, you're also thinking: I saw Sharknado last night and I'd rather not be thrashed and shredded by a shark flying through the air, total fucking bummer.  While I totally understand and sympathize, with this completely rational fear, there are other pressing dangers to romancing by the shore. We've got your dpf (douche bag protection factor) right here, along with your shark stabbing pool cue and chainsaw through the jaws.
 photo UdaDvx8_zps3117cee2.gif
She's a real heart breaker


When at the beach, cruising for man-meat, you're gonna want to look your best.  Sometimes, that means attention from unwanted sources.  Standard beach wear for the creeper on the prowl entails as little fabric and as much skin as possible.  This means you're an in your face, real as god made her, walking, talking masturbation material. For a lot of sad, pathetic older men, who are too poor for the internet, you're the closest thing to a Victoria's Secret catalog.  Protect yourself from becoming beat off material by being constantly aware of your surroundings.  Accuse every unattractive guy of taking your picture and demand to see their phone, break it if necessary. Remember the best defense is a good offense so keep a can of rasta themed pepper spray on the hemp friendship-bracelet you got on the boardwalk, it'll go perfectly with any outfit.

Spells YOLO but means douche bag Photo credit Mick Murray
There are other undesirables at the shore who aren't just trying to peep you.  Some of these people, while not initially sounding your douche alarms, are in fact, super douchy.  There are warning signs to look out for, maybe he's wearing a hat that says YOLO or a t-shirt that asks if you're DTF.  Remember: acronyms on articles of clothing is never a good sign.   While guys with lots of mUscLEs are hot, beware of the men who are actually unhealthy sacs of steroids without any endurance.  These guys will have abnormally large skulls and be terrible dancers, only versed in the 'pelvic thrust.' Your defense against these small testes is information.  Be able to spot one before it spots you, get good at the shade, and take comfort in numbers--you can always try and pawn him off
on one of your friends if need be.

If you do find a man you wanna kiss under the boardwalk beware the myriad hazards that beach loving can bring.  For example, you actually can get pregnant if you have sex in the ocean so use protection. Beach dudes also have a higher likelihood of carrying and spreading std's because there are less clothes worn on the beach; therefore everyone is having more sex, especially the random kind. Beach sex can also be painful and sandy.  You never know where that sand is going to get and the feeling of penis on sand on vagina is actually quite painful and dangerous. Minimize your risk by bringing a tent with you on the beach, you'll get privacy and sand blocking powers at the same time!

Okay, finally, we get to the biggest danger for a beach babe--sharks. Yeah, maybe they only kill like 20 humans a year, but the existential threat of sharks is so vast it is unknowable, much like the deep blue sea. To avoid being eaten by a shark there are a couple of things a girl can do to keep safe. Firstly, this might be a no brainer but plug up your bleeding vag so you don't attract sharks.  Sharks are fucking LAZY and they would much rather eat something that they think is already halfway to hades; don't let them think that it's you with your bloody genitals. Secondly, don't go in the water by yourself. If you've seen Jaws or Sharknado, you know that sharks really dig ladies that are on their lonesome.  You are more likely to live if you can tempt the shark with your swimming buddy instead of having him munch on you.  If you do happen to be alone, carry protection or make use of the tools around you (see above gif for example).  While a gun is bulky, many states have open carry laws.  Do your research and get a sexy beach harness for your little friend.

Whatever you do at the beach this year, make sure to keep it sexy.  Rules and safety are meaningless if you don't have fun and get laid a bunch.  Also, remember, it's all fun and games until a tornado hits your vacation and sends hungry sharks hurtling through the air and towards your neck.

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