Strategic Cat Planning

11:10 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

You can even take steps to make yourself look more cat-like!
There comes a point in every woman’s life when she has to make a choice. Will she leap into the tepid waters of her 30’s as a sacred goddess and adopt a cute and sexy cat, or will she she lose her confidence and forever look lovingly into the watery dead eyes of a lapdog? While there may be merits to both, if your goal is to snag a man on the quick, you’re going to need to get saddled up with a couple bags of Fresh Step and catch yourself a kitty.


Men love pussy. Some may call it hormones, some may call it toxoplasma gondii, and yet others will call it good taste. For whatever the reason, men equate cats with purrrfection.



Most of the guys who you meet out and about on the streets are dead inside, and it’s simply because they can’t afford to rent apartments that allow cats. They drag their clumsy bodies home from the gym, turn on their TVs, and stretch out their stiff zombie fingers, searching for some fluffy feline fur to get lost in. Finding their laps empty, they pick themselves up and head to the bar, unconsciously recognizing that they have a special, secret yearning.

This is what they mean when they say a guy is on the prowl.

In order to attract a man when he’s craving cat companionship, you first have to look the part. Typically, when a woman is open to having cats, she starts wearing certain outfits. Fuzzy cat ear headbands are a popular and dazzling accessory. Kitten print tees are also a sexy addition to your wardrobe. Pink compliments cat images perfectly, so be sure to pick up shirts throughout the spectrum; from coral, to salmon, to peony, to fuschia! In Japan, they’ve even developed designer tails which wag when you’re excited, and ears that pull back when you’re feeling threatened. If you sport these, you will be sending the message that you’re ready for cats, you’re fashionable, and you and have money to burn.

The next obvious step is to get yourself down to the SPCA and adopt yourself two or more cats. Men prefer that you mother more than one cat; it shows them that you have a lot to offer, both emotionally and financially.

Once you’ve found the right cats, it’s time to get yourself to the local pet store so you can outfit your place accordingly. You will need a scratching post, a cat tree, several cat beds, at least 15 types of feathers, an electronic mouse, a catnip plant, a tin of dried catnip, several kinds of treats, a cat brush, a self cleaning litter box, cat litter,a toilet-shaped water bowl, fish-shaped food dishes, and a cat calendar for keeping track of their various doctor and salon appointments, as well as reminders for basic health matters (ie. “Get Mr. Fluffy a lion cut” or “Re-up on Advantage”).

When your home is full of loving baby angels, it’s time to sit back and let them work their magic. If you’re lucky, within a few weeks they will begin leaving their mark. You will notice the side of your favorite easy chair starting to unravel. Dark circles will appear on your carpets. You’ll find litter between your toes. Soft patches of fur will highlight the folds of your curtains and every piece of clothing you own. When your girlfriends come over to visit, they’ll ask when the last time you changed the litter box was. At this point, you know you are ready to bring a man home.

The more cat-like you can be, the quicker you will lure a guy back to your lair. When you first lock eyes with your prey, coyly lick your hand and wipe it on your face. While he introduces himself, purr loudly. If he looks at another girl, hiss and scratch. This, combined with your outfit, lets him know you’re into cats.
This is what most men dream of coming home to.

And if there were any doubts in his mind at the bar, they will fade away when he steps into your house and breathes in the smells of urine and dander. He will feel immediate, immense relief, knowing he’s finally found the perfect woman, his hot cat mama. 

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