Fashion Fails: The Ugly Truth about Style
 |
| Hipster Dad or Really Bad? |
Though some
men may want you to believe otherwise, love is not blind. The fashiondisabled men out there have been
conspiring, since the early nineties, to make women believe that it’s not the
outside that counts. If you’ve met a man and he’s making you feel funny, in
that “I don’t think this is the trendy
kind of ironic” way, you need to listen to your gut. When the glow of
newness fades, and you start to see your dude the way the rest of the world
sees him, all you will be left with is a pair of saggy balls and a pile of
tickets from the fashion police.
Thumb rings and pinky rings - It’s one thing when a guy wears a
tasteful class ring on his ring finger. This
is the finger which was meant to be adorned. But when a guy clasps your hand to
give it a kiss and you’re blinded by the bling on his pinky, you need to
seriously consider whether you’re going to let him kiss any other parts of your
body. Not all fingers were created equal. A ring on the pinky emphasizes the
fact that this guy is spineless. He is sending you the clear message that he
goes home each night and cries himself to sleep. A ring on the thumb, however,
shows that your man spends way too much time greasing his hair in front of the
mirror each night. It’s nice to find a guy who takes care of his appearance,
but when that’s all he takes care of, you definitely have a problem.
Toe shoes – In the past couple years, the hippy
riche have started trying to emulate the lives of primitive humans. This
emulation, however, is highly selective. For instance, it’s widely acceptable
to eat “Paleolithic” foods, but these people would not be caught dead using a
stone tool to dice their Romanesco (freshly imported from Italy). Similarly,
these people want to emulate the early human experience of running barefoot,
except actually going barefoot would be a little too primitive. It’s a fine line that these people walk in their dorky ass
shoes, and the primary reason for avoiding them is that you never know what
kind of reaction they’ll have to the things you say. One minute your man will
be enjoying a ride down the coast in your 8 cylinder SUV, and the next minute
he’s going on a tirade against Big Oil. These guys don’t know what they stand
for, so why should you stand for them?
 |
| There will be makeup everywhere. |
Holey shoes, holey shirts, and the
Holy Bible – We all
know that the key to happiness is financial stability. That’s why you need to avoid
guys with holes in their shoes and holes in their shirts- because they’re most
likely poor. Unfortunately, the trend of distressing jeans has made it
impossible to extend the rule to jeans as well. Similarly, you should avoid
guys who go around toting the Holy Bible, as these dudes will probably give
away their possessions indiscriminately, which means less will be left over to
give you.
Juggalo makeup – There is a time and a place for dressing
like a clown. Actually, there isn’t. If your man shows up to your date,
chugging Faygo with his black clown lips, your warning horns should be honking.
These guys are nothing but bad news. Many of them suffer from an acute inability
to get laid, primarily because of the jams they attempt to bump as they make
their moves on the ladies. When you hear the Juggalo mating call (whoop whoop),
please hang up and try again.
0 comments: