How 2 Make The Most of Your Drunk Personality

5:08 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Drinking alcohol is always an activity we encourage here at Creep HQ. Whether you drink in celebration or in sadness, it’s hard to argue against the abuse of nature’s finest beverages. This week, Addiction Research and Theory Magazine has published a study conducted by the University of Missouri at Columbia which reveals that there are four types of drinking personalities: Mary Poppins, The Nutty Professor, Mr. Hyde, and Ernest Hemingway. While the study aims to help addicts with recovery (yawn), it also supports our theory that drinking excessively is always a good idea. Read on to learn how to rock your drunk personality to the fullest! 

Drunk Personality #1: Mary Poppins. The Mary Poppins is your typical boring shy bitch who becomes more outgoing and helpful as she drinks. As Mary Poppins knocks back shots, her sparkling ability to put her posse’s needs before her own shines even brighter. If you are a Mary Poppins, and a drunk hottie stumbles into you, you’ll go out of your way to become his human crutch for the rest of the night. The higher your blood alcohol gets, the less intelligence you’ll display, but don’t let that worry you, because your dimmed state allows you to stoop to all time lows in self confidence without a care for what your actions say about you. We say to revel in this. While under the influence, you’ll end up doing crazy things (anal) and this gives your hottie the impression that you’re free spirited and adventurous (you're not). Guys are notoriously bad at deductive reasoning, and it could take them years to realize you’re only fun when you’re drunk.

Drunk Personality #2: Nutty Professor. The Nutty Professor is a drab librarian by day, and a donut licker by night. When she gets tipsy, she comes out of her boring little shell and becomes the life of the party. If you’re The Nutty Professor, you’re always waking up after a night on the town and finding out that you walked up to a hottie on the dance floor and puked right into his pint glass, blowing him a bile-soaked kiss as you strutted away. We won’t lie, you sometimes stop being dainty. But here’s the thing: Guys are always looking for girls who are as disgusting as they are. They want a girl who will let them go weeks without a shower. The other great thing about revealing your “nutty” side early in the game, is that your dude will not be surprised in the least when you’re laughing over a bowl of chilli and rip a very real, very pungent fart.

Drunk Personality #3: Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde is a basic bitch turned brawling bar drama machine. Mr. Hyde is regarded by society as “the problem drinker.” She is the one who wakes up pantsless in the drunk tank, late to work, with a tattoo of a dick on her lower back. Mr. Hyde is the one who has a lot more than a hangover to deal with after a night on the town. If you’re Mr. Hyde, you probably don’t even remember what you did last night. But do you know what? Mr. Hyde is also the drunk personality that everyone else remembers. What to some is a “problem,” is to others “party dominance.” If you can burn your actions into the memories of your fellow party-goers, then you’ve asserted your party dominance. Don’t let the haters tell you that you have a problem, life is about winning.

Drunk Personality #4: Ernest Hemingway. The Ernest Hemingway is the chill bitch. She drinks “hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk,” shoots pool like a shark, and while she may be completely forgettable to all the interesting guys in the club, the boring ones find value in her lack of pizazz. When an Ernest Hemingway is admired, it’s because her man knows she’ll never make a fool of him in front of his business partners, for whom she must prepare a three course meal anytime he decides it’s time for the ritualistic display of suburban domesticity. She’ll also never be interesting enough to cheat on him, which allows him to continue behaving like his hypersexual Don Draper self. Most of you are Ernest Hemingways, but fear not, Clever Reader, because there's something in it for you, too. Ernest Hemingways tend to land successful businessman types, so if you play your cards right (and don’t sign a prenup), you’ll soon find yourself securely living in the lap of luxury with (or without) Mr. Right by your side.