How To Milk The Connubial Cow

11:45 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

Don't let yourself be outshined.
This weekend I attended a gorgeous wedding at a private estate. It was filled with plenty of tear-jerking moments, from the look of the father as he gave the bride away, to touching toasts to the happy couple, but the thing that brought me to my knees was the shocking fact that no one had outdone the bride.  It was immediately apparent that most everyone had forgotten the most important, unwritten rule of weddings: always look better than the bride.


Is this relationship, like, over?

12:22 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Forehead kisses: A sure sign that he is over you.
You're seeing the signs and it seems like your man has LOST INTEREST.  This is a tricky situation to be in because you, like, still love this guy or whatever. I'm going to be the first of many people who will tell you: you can't fall into this terrible trap, you must extricate yourself immediatelySoooo, but wait, you're saying, maybe I can still make it work, maybe I can change or go to relationship therapy.  Wake the hell up sister, you've gotta get real and get over it.  The only way you can get out of this situation with your dignity intact is for you to preemptively dump your man.


Fashion Fails: The Ugly Truth about Style

4:22 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Hipster Dad or Really Bad?
Though some men may want you to believe otherwise, love is not blind. The fashiondisabled men out there have been conspiring, since the early nineties, to make women believe that it’s not the outside that counts. If you’ve met a man and he’s making you feel funny, in that “I don’t think this is the trendy kind of ironic” way, you need to listen to your gut. When the glow of newness fades, and you start to see your dude the way the rest of the world sees him, all you will be left with is a pair of saggy balls and a pile of tickets from the fashion police.


Major Hotties

1:39 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

This girl learned a thing or two in school. 
When my mother took me to check out colleges, she had a clearly defined agenda: finding me some Serious Marriage Material (SMM). At the conclusion of our first campus tour, when our guides asked if we had any questions about the school, my mom had the question we were all trying to work up the guts to ask: what percentage of incoming freshmen end up getting married to someone they meet here?


It's the Bachelorette final FOUR, baby

12:01 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Drill, Baby, Drill
This morning I watched The Bachelorette on my laptop, nursing my hangover with Chinese food and wondering if people do still own televisions This week on the show was hometown dates, which can certainly be memorable (especially for the guy who goes home the day after introducing his hot new girlfriend to his family).  Unfortunately, the last four standing this season are complete normies, with the pasty white families to prove it.  First up was poor Zak, my personal choice for next season's Bachelor, though I would assume at this point that it's going to be Chris.
    Zak is the guy who drills for oil in bumble-fuck Texas, who the producers hilariously still refer to as Zak W., Drilling Fluid Engineer. While all the other remaining four Bachelor hunks have moonlit as male models, Zak actually seems like he's got some brains in that sad head-cavity of his. 


Ask a Creep

3:44 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Dear Creep,
The guy I have been dating just relapsed on meth and got sent away to a detox program. This was the first time I had tons of sex in 28 months, so it really sucks. How do I move on from this?
Horny Creeper 

Dear Horny, 

   I'm having a shitty day and what I want to do is tell you how fucking bored in the face your post makes me--but I digress.  I would like to first congratulate you on finding a partner who is on the same page as you sexually. Sexual compatibility is important because the alternative is you end up like these sad ladies.  That said, there are lots of reasons why it's okay to compromise a little in the bedroom. Sometimes, stupid things like: personality and a sense of humor, outweigh the benefits of having sex that leaves you raw and semi-comatose. 


Beasts - A Pretty Good Option

9:42 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

Most guys just CAN'T get enough eggs!
In your little town, full of little people, the dateable guys for you to choose from are few and far between. You’re probably surrounded by provincial nobodies who are obsessed with hunting and eating eggs. Is it so much to ask that there be one dude who is literate and worthy of your beauty? If you’ve found yourself in such a situation, there is reason to sing out! Chances are, there’s a beast in a castle, living right in your backyard.


You Have Got to Start Planning Your Wedding NOW

12:33 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Every Creep knows that nailing down a good venue for your wedding needs to be done years in
advance.  This is why it's so important to start planning for your dream day even before you have your dream man.   With gay weddings legalized like, everywhere that matters, planning the perfect day will only become increasingly competitive.  As every vagina-having human knows, a wedding has nothing to do with that dude we're shacking up with for the next 5-10 years and very little to do with love.  The point of a wedding is to make all your bitch friends really jealous of you and also to look much, much hotter than them while you do it.  With so many details to get absolutely perfect, there is no better time than RIGHT NOW to start getting it all right.


Expiration Dating

12:02 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

After spending the past 36 hours crying my eyes out in bed, mourning Cory Montieth’s sudden death, I am starting to realize something. A little part of me died with my TV boyfriend on Saturday. A little part of me will never come back, and I lose this part each time a relationship ends; it’s the part of me that gives a fuck.

Dating gets boring. Every time you meet a dude, you go on that obligatory dinner date, maybe you drink too much, and take him home with you. Inevitably, he gets attached, and you start having to deal with his constant phone calls and clingy need for attention. Maybe he pokes you on facebook and you are expected to poke back  (there’s 2 seconds of your life you’ll never get back).  Maybe he starts to expect you to be free on the weekends. Whatever his demands, you’ve dealt with them before and they turn you off every time. After three weeks he thinks he could really be falling for you (yawn), so you begin planning your exit strategy.


It PAYS to be FreAkY

9:54 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

Daniel Craig, yeah, I'd flog that
We over here are not usually in the business of telling people how to enjoy, or at the very least, tolerate the sex you're having with whatever man-meat you've dragged into the bedroom, but when science shows a creeper what's what, we have a hard time rationalizing not forcing everyone to worship at the altar of TRUTH. A recent study done by a University in the Netherlands shows that practitioners of BDSM are likely to feel more confident and less crazy than their Vanilla counterparts.  We at Creep recommend that you break out those whips and chains and get your freak on.  Remember: now that you have a new hobby, learn the ground rules. Make sure to come up with a safe word, you don't want to accidentally kill your lover.  It would be hard to argue that you were defending yourself if your guy is bruised, bloodied and hogtied on your bedroom floor. Another tip for enjoying BDSM is to KEEP TRYING even if you might not, 'like it' at first.  The only way you're going to learn to love kinky sex is if you are persistent.

You can read more about the study here.


"Accidental" Shopping Sprees

8:23 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

This lil creep knows how to get what she wants.

So you’re sitting around at your boyfriend’s house, waiting for him to get out of the shower, when you notice his cell phone is just sitting right there, on the other side of his house. And what’s this? No password to unlock it?! While most dating sites would tell you that this is the prime time for a little snooping (only his texts, emails, chats, and facebook of course, you’re already privy to all that there is on instagram), it’s our opinion that your first move should be opening up his EBay app. Only yesterday, a 14 month old creep bought herself a vintage car on her dad’s smartphone. It’s an honest mistake that anyone could make, so why shouldn’t you be the one to make it?


Surviving your beach ROMANCE

3:39 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Many of you may be thinking, I want to find a summer fling, some beach bum hottie I can use like a Shamwow and then discard at the end of summer.  But, you're also thinking: I saw Sharknado last night and I'd rather not be thrashed and shredded by a shark flying through the air, total fucking bummer.  While I totally understand and sympathize, with this completely rational fear, there are other pressing dangers to romancing by the shore. We've got your dpf (douche bag protection factor) right here, along with your shark stabbing pool cue and chainsaw through the jaws.
 photo UdaDvx8_zps3117cee2.gif
She's a real heart breaker


MasterChef – Dating Edition

10:11 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

The first dish that we would like to taste is... Gordon Ramsay! We can’t tell you how many hours we’ve lost, dreaming about him whisking us away in his convertible with his cute french bulldog in our lap, taking us to his penthouse suite so he can force feed us lemon meringue and repeatedly call us “donkey.” But, unless our name is Sarah Symonds, and we're creeping professionally, this won’t be happening to us anytime soon. That doesn’t mean that the fantasy completely has to die. When things start to get boring with the old ball and chain (as they always do), instead of calling for takeout, it’s time to bust out the old apron and get your guy behind the stove.


Arguing to win

1:07 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Yet another 'scientific' study shows what all you creepers should know by now: everything is power based and WINNING! In a study of 498 married people, the individuals were asked to think back on one argument and what their stupid, always wrong, spouse could do to make them stop being so dumb all the time. Surprise, when the answers were categorized a majority had to do with power or specifically, the relinquishment of. I mean, duh if you're the more right person, you should make all the decisions.  It's important to not fight but it's more important to be in charge--important enough to fuel most fights.  Steps towards harmony include convincing your partner he is always wrong and giving lots of blow jobs.


King Joffrey – The Hottest Guy, Ever.

8:33 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

The definition of Dreamboat.

If there is one man in the seven kingdoms who deserves all the blow jays, it’s King Joffrey Baratheon. One part Jaime, one part Cercei, one hundred percent sweet boning magic, this guy is where it’s at. Joffrey knows how to rule with an iron hand, and an iron dick. So like, duhhh, you know every girl wants to sit upon his iron throne. 

*SpOiLeR aLeRt*


How to dump your man like you mean it

7:23 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Part of being a player is knowing how and when to give your man the pink slip.  Sometimes a bitch has to chose a main dick and sometimes she has to let one go, that's the cycle of creepin'.   You just never know what your man is going to do that will cause you to have a change of heart.  Maybe he's got his mom's cell stored under 'first love', maybe he wears those fingered shoes or sounds like a Keebler elf when he talks--whatever it is, he's made himself ineligible to squirt on your gene pool.


Thirsty Thursday: The Cherry Bomb

5:15 PM Robot Love 0 Comments


When a Bitch is a Bitch Face

2:16 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Kristen Stewart, classic bitch-face
Way back in 2004, when we lived in a pre-post-racial society, I was first nicknamed 'bitch face.' Fast forward through some minor plastic surgery, to now today-world, the term has expanded to, 'bitchy resting face' and all of the sudden it's become science.  All misogyny aside, there are so many reasons to embrace your exterior bitch.  While the insecure and uninitiated would see 'bitch' as some sort of insult, I see it as my amazon call, the black shoe polish under the linebacker's eyes, the junk yard dog in the junk yard.

If you look at the most powerful women in the world, sure they know how to smile, but they are also hard bitches through and through.  A woman's expression is hers to distribute as she pleases, if she smiled all the time you'd think you were doing something right (you're actually fucking up) and self esteem would skyrocket (dangerously). Now, I get the urge to be universally liked--it's what drives politicians to lie and Gweneth Paltrow towards self-righteousness--but being disliked is always the likelier outcome of your efforts (Goopy, just stop, it's embarrassing). 


Your man's testes have tasters

11:35 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

Yeah, you know why if it's good it's, "balls deep." Now, science explains why: testicles have taste receptors. These taste receptors are everywhere on our bodies, even in our butts (we can have that conversation another time). Apparently, when you take the taste receptors away from the balls, it causes sterility. A new form of birth control?

You can check out the study here


Strategic Cat Planning

11:10 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

You can even take steps to make yourself look more cat-like!
There comes a point in every woman’s life when she has to make a choice. Will she leap into the tepid waters of her 30’s as a sacred goddess and adopt a cute and sexy cat, or will she she lose her confidence and forever look lovingly into the watery dead eyes of a lapdog? While there may be merits to both, if your goal is to snag a man on the quick, you’re going to need to get saddled up with a couple bags of Fresh Step and catch yourself a kitty.

Men love pussy. Some may call it hormones, some may call it toxoplasma gondii, and yet others will call it good taste. For whatever the reason, men equate cats with purrrfection.