You Have Got to Start Planning Your Wedding NOW

12:33 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Every Creep knows that nailing down a good venue for your wedding needs to be done years in
advance.  This is why it's so important to start planning for your dream day even before you have your dream man.   With gay weddings legalized like, everywhere that matters, planning the perfect day will only become increasingly competitive.  As every vagina-having human knows, a wedding has nothing to do with that dude we're shacking up with for the next 5-10 years and very little to do with love.  The point of a wedding is to make all your bitch friends really jealous of you and also to look much, much hotter than them while you do it.  With so many details to get absolutely perfect, there is no better time than RIGHT NOW to start getting it all right.

Consider colors that really pop, like electric orange

The most important thing a future bride needs is a BOMB dress. Maybe you have really bad taste and are looking for a dress that is simple, aka boring and completely forgettable, well forget that idea. Take a cue from Mamma June and go big or go home.  If you're planning a big wedding (cause, duh) you want the losers you sat in the very back to be able to see you in all your taffeta and lace glory. Consider adding LED's to your dress or having the venue be completely dark except for the spotlight that follows you down the aisle.  Whatever you do, don't pull a Keira Knightly and wear some 12 year old's Bat Mitzvah dress to the biggest party you're throwing yourself this decade.  It's also good to have options, instead of buying one dress, start collecting now. There is nothing sexier to a potential suitor than seeing a closet full of wedding dresses, he's gonna know you're a lady who has money to burn and isn't afraid to set it afire.

Besides the dress, the other important thing that every girl should get right is her engagement ring. If a dude is going to put a ring on it it better be really expensive or else no one is going to envy you.  A man should invest about 2-3 years salary into a ring and the rock should be visible from one end of Bergdorf's wedding salon to the other.  Start designing your dream ring now, so that it's impossible for you to be disappointed when he drops down on one knee and proves to you with treasure that he's in it to win it.  When planning your engagement ring remember the 5 C's: Cut, Clarity, Color, Carat and Customize.  Make sure the ring speaks to who you are, design a ring that can transform into a weapon or that has GPS built in. Whatever you do, it's got to be a diamond because stuff is meaningless if no one died in order for you to get it.

Planning ahead means that you can make as many changes to your guest list as necessary.  Use your guest list as a way to get back at people for slighting you.  Carry your list around with you so people know if they are in or out.  Reward good behavior with a spot in your bridal party or cut people out for being lame and boring.  If you mom starts being annoying and asking you to hang out with her and 'bond', threaten to not invite her to the wedding.  It's important that people take you seriously, and if they can't appreciate you they have no business ruining your big day with their bad attitudes.

If you start planning now, you just might get it right.  We all know that fucking up your wedding means you will be unhappy for the rest of your life, so make sure no one is there to derail you.  There is nothing more embarrassing than a lame wedding so get your finances together, blackmail your dad if you need to, and prepare for the most lavish, extravagant party you can imagine.