Major Hotties
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| This girl learned a thing or two in school. |
When my mother took me to check out
colleges, she had a clearly defined agenda: finding me some Serious Marriage
Material (SMM). At the conclusion of
our first campus tour, when our guides asked if we had any questions about the
school, my mom had the question we were all trying to work up the guts to ask:
what percentage of incoming freshmen end up getting married to someone they
meet here?
At this point in my life, we only
had one criterion to base our decision on: the school had to have a high
concentration of SMM. When we explored the many campuses, and all
the “hotties walking by,” we had to seriously think about my future. Would
there be a large enough concentration of SMM for me to park it here for my entire
post-secondary education?
When choosing your college, you need
to think about the type of guy you want to end up with. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in your hottest outfit. What style is the outfit, what does it cost, and what kind of guy would look perfect standing next to you when you're wearing it? If your dream outfit is summery and beachy, you'll definitely have to look out for a surfer dude, which means you’ll want to go to a school in California, preferably on
the coast. UC Santa Barbara, UC Santa Cruz, UC San Diego, Cal Poly, and
Pepperdine are all potential options. Is your outfit expensive? If so, you probably want a dude who is rich. Try a
private school, preferably Ivy League. Is your dream outfit a wedding gown, and are you looking to get married while still in school? Try somewhere in the middle of the country, like Oklahoma State or University
of Michigan, or even better one associated with the Mormon faith like Brigham Young.
Once you’ve
pinpointed which kind of guy you’re looking for, do a quick google search to
find out which schools have the highest concentrations of these dudes. Apply to
as many places as your parents can afford to take you to visit. It’s critical
that you actually visit your future campus before committing the next four or
more years there (you never know how good you'll be at the study/party balance). When you arrive on campus, you need to be on the lookout. If you don’t
spot at least ten SMMs in ten minutes, it’s not the school for you.
Your search
doesn’t end there, I’m afraid. Once you’ve selected your perfect school, you
have to find ways to put yourself in the paths of these hotties. The best way
to do this is by choosing the right major. If you’re looking for a surfer guy,
odds are that he’s a Marine Biology major. If you’re looking for a rich guy,
try Economics. Don’t worry about actually liking the subject matter or having
an aptitude for it; if you’re doing things right, you’ll have nabbed your
future hubby in year one, and you can then switch majors or drop out altogether
(to focus on nurturing your relationship).
When you've spotted your future husband, make efforts to boost his ego in class. Whenever he raises his hand and offers his two cents, gild his cents with your words, saying, "I agree with Hottie-with-a-body's brilliant statement..." and then elaborate. Try to sit next to or in front of him in class so that he knows you exist. Make lots of eye contact, lick your lips frequently, and wear clothes that draw the attention to your legs and your boobs. Fishnet stockings, garters, sequined booty shorts, tube tops, and low cut shirts are all excellent wardrobe ideas. Try shirts that have images in the boob area or gaudy necklaces to draw his gaze to your assets.
When you've spotted your future husband, make efforts to boost his ego in class. Whenever he raises his hand and offers his two cents, gild his cents with your words, saying, "I agree with Hottie-with-a-body's brilliant statement..." and then elaborate. Try to sit next to or in front of him in class so that he knows you exist. Make lots of eye contact, lick your lips frequently, and wear clothes that draw the attention to your legs and your boobs. Fishnet stockings, garters, sequined booty shorts, tube tops, and low cut shirts are all excellent wardrobe ideas. Try shirts that have images in the boob area or gaudy necklaces to draw his gaze to your assets.
It’s
important to do extracurricular activities as well. Wherever your dream man is,
that’s where you need to be. This might mean pledging to a certain sorority, signing
up for a running club, becoming a cheerleader, or even… getting a job on campus.
While we can’t guarantee that any of
this will be fun, we can guarantee
that you’ll be leaving college with a rock on your finger. And if you think
about it, that’s really what college is all about.
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