The Art Of Giving To Receive
It’s that time of year again, the time when Americans start
thinking about what they’re thankful for. Your news feed is probably already
starting to clog with thinly veiled brags, where your friends list all the
things they have that they know will make you jealous. And yet, despite these annoyances,
Thank Goodness It’s Finally November! If there’s one thing to be grateful for
this time of year, it’s that Santa Claus and his giant sleigh filled with loot
are coming to town. The art of gift giving and receiving is a rich, highly
complex subject that weighs on all American minds this time of year. Today’s
lesson, Creeps, is The Art of Giving to Receive.
Gift giving can be an expensive and depressing ritual.
The last thing we want to think about is other people, and we certainly don’t
want to blow our spending money on them. In order to ease your burden this holiday
season, we’ve devised a new approach to gift giving that is sure to increase
your seasonal enjoyment. The concept is really quite simple: buy your friends
and family the gifts that keep on giving, right back to you.
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Concert Tickets for NYE
Is there a show you’re dying to see this New Year’s Eve,
and you’re worried that you won’t get to go because your man’s friends are
throwing some lame party at a lame bar that is so dirty and gross that you get
physically ill just thinking about spending any part of the most fun night of
the year there? It sounds like concert
tickets are the gift that are going to keep on giving back to you. If you get him two
tickets to Jay-Z and Coldplay at Barlclays, you’re guaranteed a night you’ll
never forget. You won’t have to share your man’s attention with any of his
loser pals. It’ll just be you, grinding sexily on your man, while you gaze
longingly into the eyes of Chris Martin all night long. Hey, Goopy cheated on
him, so he is probably looking for someone to get back at her with. Maintain
that sultry gaze, and you just might be unwrapping Martin's special package later
that night!
Magazine Subscriptions
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| Magazines: non-threatening entertainment |
You already know your bestie is going to be showering you with gifts this year, but it's so hard for you to think of getting her anything! Her clothing collection almost rivals your own, so the last thing you want is to add a single hot item to her closet. That's why this year, you need to get your gal a subscription to your favorite magazine. You already spend lots of time at her place anyways, you might as well have something there that keeps you from dying of boredom. Simply show up at her place, crack open that 'zine, and read from cover to cover as she cooks you a simple, elegant, and healthy dinner. In addition to giving you entertainment and a free meal, buying the subscription for your friend will save you money in the long run, since you would have spent twice as much buying those magazines in store. Plus, when you're done reading it, she has to throw it away, leaving plenty more space in your garbage for those bottles of champagne you bought your recovering alcoholic father for Christmas.
Spa Day
If you've been dying for a spa
day, but none of your cheap ass friends can afford to go with you,
consider buying one of them a spa day pass. There are many
places where you can buy admission to the hot tubs and saunas, while
leaving the pricey add-ons, like massages, facials, and seaweed wraps,
for your friend to buy herself. With a spa day pass, you can guarantee you'll have someone to listen to you spill about all your latest dramas while you get pampered with the royalty treatment. Your friend will also get a chance to see how glamorous your life can really be. When she begins to understand how big of an honor it is to be seen with you, she will do whatever it takes to keep you happy. In fact, you will pretty much become her hero.
Cooking Lessons
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| Martha's food porn is anything but sexy |
Not everyone has been blessed with talent in the kitchen. Do you have a friend who thinks she cooks like Martha Stewart, but her meals always come out tasting the way Martha's food tweets look? Treat your friend to a week of cooking classes. The benefits of cooking classes are many: your friend will think you support her "talents," and with any luck, she'll learn how to tell when meat is actually done, or that jello with shrimp frosting is a bad idea. Say goodbye to those torturous dinner parties, and get excited, because a friend that can cook will save you countless hours in your own kitchen and dollars at the grocery store.
Tattoo Gift Certificate
Another great gift option for your boy toy is to get him a gift certificate to a tattoo parlor. Fact: tattoos make guys look hotter. Fact: tattoos are a permanent reminder of the time in your life when you got the tattoo. Fact: you want your man to always remember you. That's why this Christmas, you should take a sexy picture of your face to a tattoo shop and get one of the artists to draw it up and quote a price for it. You can then buy a certificate for that amount and put it in an envelope with the picture of his future tattoo. Men will get tattoos of anything, and they are notorious for having poor facial recognition skills. Odds are, he won't even realize that it's a picture of you! That is, he won't realize it's you until it's permanently tattooed on his body and you sexily bring up how romantic it was that he loves you enough to have your face on that great big bulging bicep of his.
If there is something you're dying to have this Christmas, buy it for someone who doesn't want it, can't use it, or who has no choice but to share it with you. People get gifts they hate all the time, so why not let your friends think you made a simple and common mistake? Gift giving doesn't have to be a selfless act of charity, and most importantly, if you don't treat yourself well, no one else will either.
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