There is nothing like the morning after hangover where a city groans with the collective memory of one 3 am phone call looking for that special person, willing to deliver a little bag of drugs, in the middle of a blizzard—because, the snow reminded you of cocaine and then continued to do so all night long.
This dog knows what I'm talking about!
At your-cuddle-service.
Needless to say, that special person always exists, even on a night declared code blue. In the morning, we remembered the night fondly but felt lonely, broken, and ready to pull an Anna Karenina in the 3rd avenue L stop. We know what could have made the night better, the tears in the morning more satisfying, and the bed warm.
We’re not looking for a relationship, or a one-night stand, we’re looking for a guy who will pull serious boyfriend duties and expect nothing but cash in return. This may sound simple but the cold glaring truth is: you just can’t easily find a man to cuddle for hire. Delicate reader, let’s wake up from our post-indulgent aches with two borrowed arms holding our shaking bodies; let’s start a cuddle service. Make sure to check back on progress regarding this very unique business opportunity. Let our will be done.
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Hip To The Groovez
11:35 AM
Robot Love
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Ladies, we are no longer living in a world where the way to a man’s heart is through his belly. The phenomenon called “urban sprawl” now exists within the realms of love. Thanks to the advertising industry we’ve got to travel through the suburbs of Fashion, the towns of Cleanliness, and the cities of Employment to find ourselves en route to the destination of Amour. What’s more, a woman cannot just hop on the expressway and think she’s headed straight to Happily Ever After. A girl’s got to travel all the roads, take all the buses, and thumb all the rides. So where do I begin? you ask.
You’re on date number one. You’ve got your filet mignon and lobster tail, which shows your guy that you can pack it in and you are not afraid to spend his cash, but something’s not clicking. He’s quiet, he’s avoiding eye contact, and for some reason he keeps rearranging the leaves of the side salad which he ordered as an entrée. Damn dude, what is UP?! you ask yourself. Honey, there’s no need to wonder any more. It’s time to show your man that you are not only hip, you are with it.
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Aggressive Dating and YOU
11:30 AM
Robot Love
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Your heart is broken. There’s nothing left to live for. It’s the morning after what you thought was a highly successful first date and you still haven’t heard from him. You chug a fifth of Jameson and go back to sleep. Hopefully when you come to he will have contacted you.
Alas, it’s nearly four in the afternoon and the only people to contact you so far today are your stupid mom and your stupid best friend, asking about your stupid first date. The way I see it you have two choices. One. Give up on him. Throw on some clothes and go out to a bar. Get completely trashed and take home any man who’s willing to kiss your boozy, vomity, cigarette stained lips. Or Two. Don’t give up. Pour yourself a cup of coffee, give your fingers a good stretch, and get ready for aggressive dating.
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How to seduce your mentally unstable co-worker at the Office Christmas Party
11:00 AM
Robot Love
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'Tis the season of flasks filled with eggnog, keeping secrets from Santa and holiday work parties. Everyone has an office work crush, or at the very least a guy we’d totally make sweet love to in the supply closet.
GHB is a handy tool for impressing your special guy
You know what I’m talking about, that special guy you pass by in the hallways, or in and out of those awkward meetings with HR. The one with whom you exchange a shy glance, have spilled water on beside the cooler, the one with bloodstains on his scuba diving penguin tie (penguins don’t need scuba gear!).
He seems dangerous, like he’s at least imagined killing you, and that is definitely a turn-on. So maybe you aren’t going to introduce him to mom and dad (hey, always keep an open mind, ladies!) but the animal inside of you totally wants to take this guy home after your holiday work party.
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Top five places to give in to condom-less sex, and why you totally should!!
10:59 AM
Robot Love
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5) Outpatient rehab facility—There is something romantic about meeting a guy in rehab. The dim overhead fluorescent lighting, your bedmate who has spent the last three days staring at you while you’re sleeping, the regular feeding schedule, and all the suboxone you could ever want. And then there is that guy down the corridor in room 8B who says hello your breasts (by name, how did he know!?), and you’re thinking to yourself: could he be The One? You already know you have something in common, maybe a few felonies, a fondness for needles, and since you popped a look at his medical records, apparently his blood type too. Sex without a condom is par for course because you know you’ve found the man of your dreams and lets face it, he’ll know too when you have his baby.
4) On a yacht – This one is a no brainer. You’re on a friggen’ yacht ladies. Time to let inhibition go. Everyone also knows that it’s pretty much impossible to get pregnant in international waters. There’s a law against it.
3) Somewhere backstage at a poison concert circa 1988—You saved up for weeks this summer working at that crummy restaurant serving diabetics milkshakes and fried catfish just so you could buy this ticket. You made your way into the front row and maybe it’s your bleached the fuck out hair, or that you have been drinking scotch mixed with diet pepsi, ‘the taste that’s generations ahead,’ all day and it’s like your eyes are rolling into the back of your head but you and your best friend have two backstage passes and are sitting on each side of Brett fucking Michaels. Somehow, he gets the two of you in a trailer and get both of you take your shirts off. You can vaguely hear Brett is talking aloud to his self, trying to figure out which ones he likes better in between bumps of cocaine, more mumbling, interspersed with yelling at whoever the fuck keeps knocking at that door. You don’t know how it got this far but neither you or your friend wants to be the one to blow it with Brett Michaels so when he says he only fucks without a condom, that’s exactly what happens.
2) Your mom’s new boyfriend’s monster truck—You’re 16 years old—okay so you’re 15 and ¼—and your new boyfriend Jimmy has just snuck over to your home. After a solid ten minutes of listening to stones being pelted at your window, you yawn, look out, see Jimmy and climb outside to meet him. Jimmy says: he wants to talk and he looks totally serious. You’re not sure where to go but you realize that mom’s new boyfriend, that dickhead who slaps you on the ass every time you walk by, has his brand new monster truck sitting in your driveway. You’re pretty sure they are both passed out in the living room after drinking a 30 rack of Genesee Cream Ale and chain smoking Marlboro menthol 100’s all night. The truck has 66” tires and Jimmy coaxes you in. Things are getting pretty steamy in the cab of the truck. Your night shirt is off and Jimmy whispers in your ear, “it’s okay if we don’t use a condom, I’ll be careful,” which at 15 and ¼ sounds pretty convincing because you’ve never had sex before and your teacher told you that condoms are tools of the devil anyway.
"It's very important to remember the law
is ... not simply what powerful people
would want others to believe it is."
-- Julian Assange
1) In Sweden, interning for Wikileaks—Okay, it kind of all started when you responded to an anonymous ad while you were drunk, looking for a summer internship on craigslist. "Seeking all subversives," was such a catchy title that you responded, inspired, in free-form poetry. The reply, twenty minutes later, asked you to fill out a form with over a hundred questions which ranged from "Explain in detail how you would go about achieving regime change?" to "Belly-button, innie or outie?" Accompanying a congratulations letter, you received what you thought was a ticket to Sweden which actually turned out to be detailed instructions on how to hack into the SAS Airlines website and add yourself onto the passenger list of flight number TK 3900. While most of your internship was spent responding to his fan e-mail and the occasional phone call from various state departments, you didn't finally meet Julian Assange until the end of the summer right before you were about to head back to school. You weren't really sure how to feel about him, though the first word that came to mind was sinister, but a few drinks in definitely seemed to bring out the charm. It could have been the beer goggles, but what originally was a snarl became a smile, so when he offered to walk you back to your hotel room, since you maybe had a little too much to drink that night, you said yes. The memory is a little hazy but somewhere between the bar and him on top of you, he convinced you to put away the condom. Fuck it, you thought, Swedish girls are so uptight.
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