Aggressive Dating and YOU
Your heart is broken. There’s nothing left to live for. It’s the morning after what you thought was a highly successful first date and you still haven’t heard from him. You chug a fifth of Jameson and go back to sleep. Hopefully when you come to he will have contacted you.Alas, it’s nearly four in the afternoon and the only people to contact you so far today are your stupid mom and your stupid best friend, asking about your stupid first date. The way I see it you have two choices. One. Give up on him. Throw on some clothes and go out to a bar. Get completely trashed and take home any man who’s willing to kiss your boozy, vomity, cigarette stained lips. Or Two. Don’t give up. Pour yourself a cup of coffee, give your fingers a good stretch, and get ready for aggressive dating.
Your attacks must be subtle at first. Send him a simple text. “Hey Sexy” says to your man that you are ready to talk to him again, as his girlfriend. If five minutes pass without a response, text him “Whatcha doin’ you crazy MANimal?” A text like this accomplishes the following: it shows him he’s taking too long to get back to you, it shows him you’re casual, that you’re hungry for his manhood, that he’s primitive and barbaric, and it shows him that you have an intelligent sense of humor. Because this last text was so absolutely perfect, if he doesn’t get back to you within 3 minutes you should send him another text. Things are getting tenser now if he hasn’t responded so you should start elaborating a little bit. “We had a really great time together last night, you can’t pretend you’re not interested in me. This is ridiculous. Loverboy.” By tagging “loverboy” to the end of your text you are lightening the mood so he doesn’t get intimidated. At this point he should know you mean business, so if he doesn’t respond quickly you need to stop being nice and start showing your dominance. One of the best ways to get your man’s attention is to send something brief and to the point. “I know where you live. You can’t escape me” is a good example of a text that shows him why he shouldn’t just ignore you.
Most men will respond at this point. But you’re a woman of refined taste, so you are probably not dealing with most men in this situation.
This means that it’s time to really exercise your powers of persuasion. “If you don’t write back to me soon I will kill your entire family. ♥ ya!” is a casual text that says you mean business. If he doesn’t respond to this there are only four possible explanations. One. He’s forgotten to charge his phone, which is now lying dead, as he will soon be, on the floor somewhere. Two. Your arch nemesis has discovered that the two of you had a successful date last night. She’s figured out where your man lives and has tied him up and is torturing him by reading him the texts that you’re sending, without allowing him to reply. Three. After dropping you off at home last night he was raped and killed by that serial killer who’s been terrorizing your community lately. Or Four. He’s working for your arch nemesis and has you right where he wants you—in a state of unendurable pain and suffering. Your options at this point are very limited. You can only send him one more text at this point without seeming overly clingy or needy. I’d suggest waiting a good ten minutes for this one because there’s a good chance that he will misinterpret it if it’s sent too soon. When enough time has elapsed, you should send him the following: “I can see you reading this through the scope of my hunting rifle.” If sent too soon, your man will think that you’re lying, because it takes at least ten minutes to get from your place to his. If you wait too long he’ll think you’re a creep because he’ll assume that you’ve been spying on him for hours. It’s extremely important that he believes you’ve only been watching him for a couple of minutes.
Now, honey, I know it’s tough, but if he doesn’t get back to you after this one, then you have to face the music. This man is just way too high maintenance for you. Sure, there’s a chance that he’s worth all the stalking, spooking, and restraining orders that you’d have to deal with to court him, but do you really want to go through all of this? What if things end poorly? You could accidentally end up spending your life savings on legal fees, when you could be using it for your elaborate baby unicorn fantasy wedding. It’s going to be a tough couple days until you meet your next Prince Charming, but I know you’ll find him.
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