How to seduce your mentally unstable co-worker at the Office Christmas Party

11:00 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

'Tis the season of flasks filled with eggnog, keeping secrets from Santa and holiday work parties. Everyone has an office work crush, or at the very least a guy we’d totally make sweet love to in the supply closet.

GHB is a handy tool for impressing your special guy

You know what I’m talking about, that special guy you pass by in the hallways, or in and out of those awkward meetings with HR. The one with whom you exchange a shy glance, have spilled water on beside the cooler, the one with bloodstains on his scuba diving penguin tie (penguins don’t need scuba gear!). 

He seems dangerous, like he’s at least imagined killing you, and that is definitely a turn-on. So maybe you aren’t going to introduce him to mom and dad (hey, always keep an open mind, ladies!) but the animal inside of you totally wants to take this guy home after your holiday work party.

Prepping for any evening out is important, you always want to bring your A-game, but going stag to your holiday office party is definitely an occasion to turn it up a notch. All the other women you work with already feel sorry for you (which might have something to do with how frequently you cry in the ladies bathroom) so it’s important for them to know even if you’re still single you’re still confident, and just because no one tells you they love you on a daily basis, it doesn’t mean you don’t totally deserve that (you totally deserve that, you totally deserve that, you totally deserve that). It's time to get out your airbrush, have your armpits waxed, and pick up that silvery, crushed velvet gown you’ve managed to have on layaway since September.

In addition to all the normal preparations, when looking looking to impress that mentally unstable guy in the office, there are a few things to keep in mind: 

First, don’t be afraid to get a little dirty. You know this guy doesn’t iron his shirts and you’re also pretty sure he doesn’t have regular bathing habits; it’s part of his charm. While mimicking his grooming regimen might not work for you, you do want to show you’re not only a classy lady but a laid back one as well. Forget brushing your hair or changing your underwear for the party. You want him to look at you and instantly think about where you were the night before, and nothing says sexy like bed head and last night's stink. 

This could be you!

Another way to catch his eye is to spend all afternoon getting drunk. Being wasted adds a level of nonchalance to any outfit you wear. Nothing makes the eyes sparkle like a little gagging; and, a little puke on the collar never hurt anyone. The added benefit of being totally wasted is how fun you are! Everyone knows you’re only really yourself three tequila shots in, anyways.

Another tip for attracting this guy is --be the life of the party. The guy with the lampshade on his head is obnoxious but the girl who crowd surfs is awesome! Get a mosh pit going, get everyone to vote on who they would eat first in the office if you were all stranded in a snowdrift mountain pass, be audacious!  

Regardless of whether or not this impresses your beau-to-be, you’ll become an office legend, and they won't stop talking about all the awesome things you did until the office picnic, when you bite the head off of a chicken and pass out in the middle of the three-legged race.