Creeper's Guide To Thanksgiving

1:32 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Happy Thanksgiving, Creeps! If you’re the creeps we hope you are, you’ve probably isolated yourself with a year of brave decisions, and you’re wondering where you’re going to eat on this most joyous of days. Fret not, because there are still some great options left for you last-minute planners.

Option 1: Cruise a Grocery Store

You probably thought you were the only one who doesn’t have their shit together today. One quick trip to a grocery store and you’ll realize you are not alone. All kinds of disasters happen on Thanksgiving. Idiot cousins forget they signed up to bring the pie, careless grandfathers burn the dinner rolls, and talentless mothers accidentally season their turkeys with sugar instead of salt. For these reasons, you can bet that your local grocery store is currently crawling with hungry, stressed out people who are desperately trying to salvage their Thanksgiving dinner as it swirls around the toilet bowl. Get your hot little bod down to the market, and start thinking about the saddest thing that’s ever happened, or could ever happen to you. As you slowly push your cart down the aisles, wiping off your tears, and wailing like a harpooned Orca, keep an eye out for potential hottie dinner companions. That guy bending down for the last can of green beans certainly has a delicious looking rump. Maybe he is too old or has a ring, but the chances are good that he’s got an eligible younger brother or son who could possibly end up being the future Mr. Creep. When you’ve spotted your best dining option, turn on those water works. If he’s even remotely decent, he’ll ask you what’s wrong, and when you tell him you can’t handle the idea of another holiday alone, he’ll have to ask you to join his family for dinner! Yes, it’s really that easy!

Option 2: Crash a Friend’s Dinner

Sadly, not all of us are talented actresses, and we can’t always cry on command. Thankfully, this doesn’t mean you’ll be dining alone tonight. Most of us have attractive friends, and most of those attractive friends have attractive family members.  Hopefully you already know a little bit about your friends families, and therefore which ones will have the highest hottie densities. Invite yourself over to one of their houses, bottles of wine (for yourself) in hand, and greet them at the door happily and naturally. Don’t ask if you can come in, just make yourself at home. Odds are, they’re so stressed trying to get dinner on the table and the family to get along, they will assume they invited you and forgot about it. They will bend over backwards to make you feel at home since they carelessly forgot you were coming.

Option 3: Find a Restaurant

You can help your man enjoy his fine dining experience
If you don’t have any friends, you still have options! Some restaurant owners are heartless tyrants who keep their doors open 365 days a year. Find one such restaurant and begin to stalk your prey.  Walk among the diners. You never know if the women these men are with are wives or friends or family members. The best way to make yourself part of the family is to approach a broad-chested, muscular man and start rubbing his shoulders as you whisper in his ear, “How are we doing over here?” The massage and soothing tone of your voice will instantly relax him, and he’ll become powerless to your charms. Before they know what’s happened, the host will have set you a seat at their table, and you’ll be playing footsie with a dreamboat, laughing, telling jokes, and spilling your glass of wine all over that sour-faced bitch who keeps giving the “do something” look to your future husband.

Option 4: Check in at a Hostel

Look at all the potential friends and lovers
Another place that is guaranteed to land you some dinner companionship is a hostel. Hostels are open 365 days a year and dorm beds are super cheap, so there’s no reason to worry that your local hostel will be closed or that you can’t afford to stay there. One of the best reasons to spend your Thanksgiving at a hostel is that the living rooms, dining rooms, and kitchens are all communal areas. This means that privacy is neither expected, nor possible. The guests there HAVE to spend time with you, they simply have no choice! The types of people you find in hostels are, crazy as it may seem, interested in meeting strangers, even on Thanksgiving! You will find yourself surrounded by potential friends and lovers as you all work together to create a delicious Thanksgiving meal. Even the hottie working the front desk will join you if you offer him a free meal. Most hostels don’t let you drink alcohol, but don’t let that stop you from spiking your sweetheart’s cider with roofies. After all, you’re only steps away from a cozy warm bed.

With a little luck and a lot of listening to our advice, we’re certain you’ll have an excellent Thanksgiving. And next year, when someone asks you what you’re doing for Thanksgiving, you’ll be able to smile back at them as you say “Riding my man’s hot dick, DUH.”