Ask a Creep

3:44 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

Dear Creep,
The guy I have been dating just relapsed on meth and got sent away to a detox program. This was the first time I had tons of sex in 28 months, so it really sucks. How do I move on from this?
Love,
Horny Creeper 

Dear Horny, 

   I'm having a shitty day and what I want to do is tell you how fucking bored in the face your post makes me--but I digress.  I would like to first congratulate you on finding a partner who is on the same page as you sexually. Sexual compatibility is important because the alternative is you end up like these sad ladies.  That said, there are lots of reasons why it's okay to compromise a little in the bedroom. Sometimes, stupid things like: personality and a sense of humor, outweigh the benefits of having sex that leaves you raw and semi-comatose. 
   Alright, but let's just talk about Meth for a second.  God, it's a terrible drug.  I can judge because I tried it once. But seriously, after I sniffed that crap, I stayed awake for the next 46 hours straight.  I was awake through my flight from LAX to JFK grinding my teeth, through my point-by-point

Like, seriously, this drug is really shitty

directionally given cab-ride to my apartment, and certainly awake when I entered my home, which was covered with beer cans and a projector streaming Gregg Araki films on the kitchen wall. I'm not saying meth is evil but, come the fuck on, if your sex buddy likes this drug enough to do it habitually, move the fuck away. You know where I never get offered meth? It's called New York City and guess what, it's full of horny, non-(always)-meth taking* dudes who will bone you, and do it again next Saturday and Tuesday and when-the-fuck-ever you're looking to have completely non-committal sex.  
    We live in this god-damn, mostly-awesome country but the caveat is: you've got to live in the good parts. Some parts hate minorities and women and minimum wage laws, and are full of meth addicts.  Other parts have a more rational way to process the bad information they are receiving.  What I am really trying to say is: life isn't a rock of crystal meth and--you can do better.

Dear Creep,
I spend about two hours a day getting ready and studying my angles in the mirror for the sole purpose of sending Snapchats to boys I like. Is this a normal amount of time to spend or should I be investing more time into this?

Love,
Snapchat addict 

Dear Snapchat, 

The first thing I would like to say is, kudos to you for considering your angles, this is exactly how models and celebrities make sure that photos of their, 'bad side' are few and far between. I'd also like to maybe suggest not using snapchat.  I'm guessing these pictures you're sending are NSFW, in which case the fact that there are sites out there leaking snapchat pictures should worry you.  Look, everyone has sent some dirty pictures to their boy toys but let's get real, do you really want to be associated with a company run by complete douche bags?  If you want to send pictures to sum boys, consider just mms'ing that shit or post selfies on instagram so everyone can see them and tell you how hot you look.  Also, if you aren't sending on Snapchat, you don't have to send them every day, wasting your time, because text messages only disappear if you delete them yourself.