It's the Bachelorette final FOUR, baby

12:01 PM Robot Love 0 Comments


Drill, Baby, Drill
This morning I watched The Bachelorette on my laptop, nursing my hangover with Chinese food and wondering if people do still own televisions This week on the show was hometown dates, which can certainly be memorable (especially for the guy who goes home the day after introducing his hot new girlfriend to his family).  Unfortunately, the last four standing this season are complete normies, with the pasty white families to prove it.  First up was poor Zak, my personal choice for next season's Bachelor, though I would assume at this point that it's going to be Chris.
    Zak is the guy who drills for oil in bumble-fuck Texas, who the producers hilariously still refer to as Zak W., Drilling Fluid Engineer. While all the other remaining four Bachelor hunks have moonlit as male models, Zak actually seems like he's got some brains in that sad head-cavity of his. 
When Zak meets up with Desiree for his hometown date, he forces her into slave labor, and they feed sno-cones to screaming children (gross) in his family's sno-cone truck--which, in my eyes, pretty much makes Zak a Bluth.  The rest of the hometown date seemed to go a little better until of course Zak gave Desiree some ring he got in Atlantic City, most likely pawned by some poor family, whose home was destroyed by Sandy. He tells her he loves her and she bursts into tears, which is always a great sign guys, always a great sign.

Drew modelling some CK undies and his BUTT
    The next stop for Desiree, on her tour of amour, was the sweat stain on the fabric of America: Scottsdale, AZ. Drew, our cheerful, Ford model/Digital Marketing Specialist (which, what the what does that even mean? Wait, this is what it means says Drew, “I am an energetic and highly motivated competitive achiever who can perform under pressure in a fast-paced, rapidly changing environment. With 8 plus years of goal-driven professional experience, I am adept at managing technical projects with a strong background in business analysis and customer relationship management.” Right, gotcha, Drew.)  While Drew continues to use television in an attempt to prove he wasn't constructed by Mattel and Co., Desiree "I love that" Heartsock hops along for the ride.  First stop is his handicapped sister's group home.  Drew informs Desiree that his sister likes hair and can't understand a word of what anyone says. At his family's home, more lame emotional crap about addiction and abandonment--yes Drew, we get it--overcoming adversity, that's you. He tells her a bunch of times he loves her and watching that makes me feel super uncomfortable for both of them. The losers in this Bachelorette rat race clearly don't understand the concept of playing hard to get, total suckers. Also, from the previews it seems, Drew makes Desiree cry in the next episode, which is confusing because she clearly has stated he's on the bottom of her life-after-show wish-list.

Seriously, producers, was this necessary?
 Chris' hometown date again goes smoothly and banally.  Chris, former model, former minor-league baseball player and current mortgage lender, makes Desiree play some baseball because this guy is looking to breed some little leaguers.  You could see in his eyes, the fetus' dancing, with their tiny fetus baseball mitts. At his parent's house, which also seems to be a home chiropractic office, Desiree gets some realigning, and she just can't seem to get over how weird it was for her. What's actually weird is the balloon puffer that Chris' dad sticks up Chris' nose.  I can't be bothered to look up on the internet if this procedure will cause brain hemorrhaging so I'm just going to assume it does. 

This mormon is SMOKIN'
   Finally, Desiree's loins get to meet back up with Brooks, who is another of these model/athlete/marketing types.  We are introduced to Brooks' ten sibling family that lives in Salt Lake City, wait, Mormon-say-what?  Clearly these guys are LDS which makes me wonder if this is some sort of LDS conspiracy to get into the mainstream.   First there was Jef of the one f's, winner of last season's Bachelorette and now there is clear front-runner Brooks, who is also showing up hard on our Mormon-dar.  As Desiree let slip to the clearly startled Chris Harrison in last week's episode, she's already at the finish line with Brooks, while Brooks, on the other hand, clearly hasn't made up his mind, regarding this whole future-wife thing. Still, it seems like the LDS has the Bachelorette on lock-down, two seasons in a row.

    Before Desiree gets to the post-hometown rose ceremony, she has some words with her brother Nate, who has a serious case of douche.  He makes some waffling promises to not embarrass her this season, but in the voice over afterwards we seem to get some promises from the producers, through Nate's own muffled words that this will not be the case.

Wash that xanax down with your martini Zak W.

  Finally, at the rose ceremony, Zak is sent home brokenhearted.  Desiree basically says, "you were just too into me," which doesn't bode well for the length and satisfaction of any of Desiree's future relationships. She gives back the ring Zak gave her and it's an awkward gesture, to say the least.  As Zak is whisked away to the Bachelor Pad, or wherever cast-off bachelors go to live out the rest of their 10 seconds of fame, we get a little insight into his mental landscape, which is as bleak as a Texas oil rig.  Zak W. sips a martini and, we imagine, pops a Xanax in the limo, complaining how hard it is to find love in the middle-of-fucking-nowhere (fucking duh, bro) and how he doesn't want to go back to his sad, lonely existence.   He gets the limo to pull over and he chucks the ring, and with this gesture, tries to salvage one last shred of dignity, but alas, it is too late.


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