Closing Your Grand Canyon: A Non-Essential Relationship Shutdown Guide

3:43 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

You could be headed for emotional bankruptcy

1.    Lengthy and frequent texts

Max Landis: Hunk of the Month

First of all, you’ve been spending way too many emotional tax dollars clocking in those text hours. Guys don’t like texting, and all the hours you’re spending subtly telling him that you need his hot bod to keep you warm tonight are wasted hours of life that you’re never getting back. If you’re looking at every hook up like it’s an investment that requires effort on your part, you have probably are experiencing a deficit of enjoyment.

Landis thinks girls should be real about their booty texts. He detests “chicks who are booty calling you trying to act like ‘let’s get drinks’ etc. or refusing to be straight up. they’ll text you at like 1am and be like ‘what you doin? where you at? sup?’ and it’s like i’m probably at home or out drunk somewhere, probably horny looking for you haha. so why is it always just games?... this is the conversation girl: ’hey’ me: ’hey’ girl: ‘what’s up?’ me: ‘not much you?’ girl: ‘not much’. like you don’t have to say you want to fuck but you can say ‘let’s hang out’ or whatever. people will also say ‘i’m in your hood’ which is the closest thing to saying ‘i want to fuck’. it’s such a weird dynamic.”

Landis suggests that it’s really best to get straight to the point when making your booty calls. He thinks any kind of preamble is both time consuming and annoying, which indicates that the best way to get your message across, while shaving hours off your hook up game, would be a simple “DTF?” text.

2.    Booty call to boyfriend conversions

According to Landis, you are also wasting precious energy when you try to turn a sex buddy into a boyfriend. Most guys can’t just be tamed, and when they see an opportunity to get their Boehner sucked, all thoughts of you and your feelings vanish from their hormone addled minds. As Landis admits, “sex is fun and it’s fun to get a lot of blow jobs.” Part of the problem, he says, is that it’s ultimately hard to take relationships seriously, because, “mm…. because i don’t give a fuck.”

This is the face guys make when they are getting ready to cheat on you

The other part of the problem is that if guys turn other girls down while they’re dating you, they lose precious opportunities. Landis explains his thinking: “so let’s say i’m dating someone, i meet a girl who’s clearly down to fuck. i’m mainly doing it because if i don’t fuck that girl now, when will i fuck that girl? i lose the opportunity.” You don’t want to sequester your stallion’s passion, do you, ladies? Stop wasting your time and energy, and realize that all you’re going to get from these guys is 3 minutes of passion and maybe an outbreak of the herp.

3.    Inefficient Sexing

Guys need lots of help understanding how to operate their "tools"

Maybe part of the reason you’ve got 20+ guys on the hook up line, taking up your precious time and energy, is that you actually don’t know anything about your own body. Maybe it’s time for you to acknowledge that you’re doing it wrong and quit increasing your borrowing limit on sexual partners. Is it really the case that you need a different dude for each day of the month? Or is your sex to climax ratio just really lopsided? And isn’t it your fault that this is so?

Men only like women who know how to climax every time they have sex, because most men haven’t learned how to properly handle a woman’s body, and they just can’t be bothered to learn. Landis states, “I can’t date chicks who haven’t figured out their orgasms. I’ve met a lot of chicks who don’t or can’t cum during sex but still go on and on about how much they love sex and it throws me a little because I’m like, do you though?”

What Landis is really getting at here, is that women should be experts at sex instruction. They should tell their men exactly what to do because, “1. it’s sexy 2. if you’re not being honest about what you want, you’re not going to get it. what is this russian roulette? you’re going to let a guy dick you 6 times so you can get an orgasm once? maybe i’m shallow but i think of sex as a goal oriented activity.” If you’re not being vocal about telling your hook up partner how to rub his junk on you, he’s not going to do a good job of it, and it will be your fault that the goal of climaxing wasn’t met.


Sex can be time consuming and disappointing. That’s why, instead of pushing your sexual bank account over the fiscal cliff, it’s best to shut down all non-essential relationship functions. Keep it to the basics: texts that are to the point, attachment free boning, and knowing exactly how to coach a man to the finish line.