Making the Crop: How to Fashion a Strong Presence on His Instagram Feed
First cafe date: This date usually happens sooner rather than later. All men fantasize about meeting a woman who can barely speak english (less talking, more sucking!). They long for the free, honest sexuality that one only can find to the east of the Atlantic. When a man takes a woman to a cafe, he is giving her the chance to reveal her inner European hooker. The key items for you to rock include: striped tank dresses, armpit wigs, cigarettes, berets, low ponytails, brightly colored neckerchiefs, red lipstick, and don’t forget to leave the bra and deodorant at home! With any luck your date will end with a hot cup of coffee dripping down your boobs as you sexily blow cigarette smoke at his camera phone. #ohlala
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| Britney's Hot Church Style |
First time showing up at the church that he and his mom go to every Sunday: At a certain point,
you’re going to want to meet your man’s mother. If he is normal, he’ll have an extremely close/borderline obsessive relationship with his mother. Her opinion will mean the world to him, and because of that, he will be reluctant to introduce you to her. This is why you need to take the matter into your own hands and arrange the first encounter yourself. If Sex And The City has taught us anything, it’s that going to church to secretly spy on your boyfriend and his mom during their weekly mother-son bonding time, then causing a major disruption during the service to alert your man to your presence, and ultimately walking up to them and introducing yourself, is definitely a good idea. The key to making the moment memorable is to sport your Sunday best. Take a tip from Britney and choose something that shows off your assets. Your goal is to show your man’s mom that you know how to honor the gifts that God has given you and also that you have the power to dominate his attention. While he's busily snapping your pic and adding filters, his mother will be realizing that the only way to get to her son now is through you. This will make her simultaneously adore and fear you, which is clearly going to help in the long run.
First planned “accidental” elevator meeting: Whenever Christian Grey gets on an elevator, he immediately gets rock hard. There is nothing that men long for more, when they step on an elevator, than to see a naked woman. That's why we recommend you secretly follow your man for a week. When you have a clear idea of his schedule, arrange a surprise elevator encounter in which you make all his wildest dreams come true. The ideal outfit would involve a trench coat with nothing on underneath. This way, you can quickly reveal your situation before you get to the 10th floor and he is greeted by that mousey, but sort of librarian-hot receptionist who he sometimes works late with. The second you reveal your surprise, he'll whip it out (his camera, that is), desperately snapping pics as you wink and blow kisses like an epileptic dog at a rave with peanut butter on the roof of its mouth.
First Halloween parade at his daughter’s elementary school: Halloween is my favorite time of year. It’s the one day a year that we have undeniable permission to be our sexy, slutty selves in public. The danger you run into on Halloween, though, is being outshined by a fellow creep. This is why, when you are planning your costume for your boarding-school-bound-future-step-daughter’s Halloween parade, you need to spare no expense. The only chance you have of outshining the other moms and teachers when buying your ‘stume, is to go big or go home, and who is bigger than Dolly Parton? If you do your costume right, no one will be able to take their eyes off of your bosoms, and you will shine bright like a rhinestone in the sky.
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