6 Healthy Relationship Tips

11:44 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

Habit #1: Keeping A Relationship Scorecard


What it is: A relationship scorecard is where you keep a running tally, preferably in a special relationship notebook that you take with you everywhere, of all the wrongs your man has ever committed against you. The idea is to create an accurate and detailed list of everything he’s done wrong so that whenever you’re in a bad mood or trying to teach him a lesson, you can bathe him in the deep and frigid waters of guilt.


Why it’s healthy: You need to be able to define exactly what you mean when you are telling your special someone that he’s being a serious sack of shit, or he just won’t believe you. Everyone wants to believe they are perfect, but if you let their egos get too big, they will start to think they “deserve better.” The strongest relationships are built upon a foundation of nagging and an unwillingness to accept each other’s flaws. It’s important to have a partner who lets you mold him into the kind of person that he should have always been. The kind who is afraid to acknowledge the presence of other women, to wear that stupid old sweatshirt his favorite grandpa gave him back in the freaking nineties, and who sits shivering in fear on the couch when he’s home because he knows how much you don’t like a messy house.

What happens if you don’t do it: If your booze-addled mind has decided that part of being in love is “accepting someone as they are,” then you’re in for a world of pain. Imagine yourself five years from now. You never trained your dude to do the dishes, to cook, to mix a proper martini, or even to give you a nightly manicure so that you match your next day’s outfit. You may think be thinking: “ah, but he is worth so much more than that. I can totally do these things myself.” Well wake up, sweetheart, because you can bet your sweet bippie that you’ll be on your own when it comes to bringing up baby while he’s out banging the babysitter. You don’t need a scorecard to see that in this situation, you would be the loser. 

Habit #2: Keeping Him Guessing and Being Passive Aggressive

CHEAT SHEET

What it is: Instead of telling your boo what’s on your mind, you give him subtle clues about what’s going on. If that doesn’t work, you resort to picking away at him or violating some of his pet peeves so that he gets mad and fights with you, thus giving yourself a great excuse to be angry without actually having to resolve the real problem. Aggression isn’t a nice word, but passive certainly is. Combine the two for excellent relationship results.

Why it’s healthy: It’s imperative that you pair yourself with someone who has thoroughly developed his critical thinking skills. They say the mind is a muscle that needs to be exercised, so it’s really helpful when you make him guess at what the matter is, because it transforms you into a personal trainer for his brain. Each time you drop a code word, it’s like you’ve assigned him 30 crunches. This will definitely pay off when you’re older, giving him plenty of stamina to keep up with your cute and senile ways.

What happens if you don’t do it: When you decide to be direct and say exactly what is bothering you, there’s nothing but terrible consequences in store for you. By telling your man the truth, you open the doors for him to do the same to you. Be honest here. Do you really want to know how he thinks you look in that dress? Or how he feels about your regular hangouts with the Ex? Or that he thinks you’re not so good at driving drunk? Honesty is the best policy for worthless nobodies like Mr. Rogers and Greg Brady. Also, if you don’t keep him on his toes, you can bet that his brain will become a flabby mess, which means your final years may be spent nursing a drooling, diaper-wearing loser.

Habit # 3: Always Threatening To Leave

Whatever, you're DONE.

What it is: Anytime you feel a situation isn’t going as you’d hoped, you can threaten to leave your man. Does he refuse to go to the store on the other side of town to pick you up a box of your favorite chocolates? Is he being lazy about steaming your outfits? Let him know that he better shape up or ship out.

Why it’s healthy: When every bump along the road causes you to question your commitment to this guy, he is going to start to feel a sense of urgency to eliminate all potential problems that may arise. He will run at maximum efficiency, creating a much more harmonious and perfect environment for you to coexist within. If you run your relationship like a corporation, threatening performance based layoffs on a quarterly basis (that’s every four days, yo), he will become a model employee, striving for the bonus of being in your good graces.

What happens if you don’t do it: If you decide to act like you’re in it for the long haul no matter how many times he wears his shoes on the carpet, you’re going to have one messy carpet, and you probably going to lose a big chunk of your security deposit. Save yourself the trouble and tell your man that the can take his crusty old shoes right out that door.

Habit # 4: Blaming Your Bad Mood On Him

You're not letting him off easy THIS TIME!

What it is: When you get home from a long day at the office, feeling pissed off about how slow and randomly everyone was walking on your way home, express that anger when he does anything insensitive. You’ve been crowded into a subway for the last 45 minutes, the last thing you need is to be greeted by a clingy, hugging man at the door.

Why it’s healthy: If you can blame your moods on your partner’s inadequate behaviors, you eliminate the need for any self reflection. Rather than having to realize that you need to do the work to accept humanity as it is, which can take hours of meditation, therapy and countless bottles of pills, you can simply lash out at the one you hold most dear.

What happens if you don’t do it: If you take personal responsibility for your reactions, you may be unintentionally creating boundaries. Boundaries are the ultimate killer of healthy, codependent relationships. With boundaries, you lose your say in everything he does. It’s best to live as if there is no distinction between where your mood ends and his begins.

Habit # 5: Behaving With Jealousy

He's probably already sent her 20 emails by now.

What it is: When your man acts kindly to another woman, holding a door open for her or smiling when he greets her, this is a sure sign that he’s getting ready to cheat on you. To protect yourself from being hurt or humiliated, you hack into his emails, unlock his phone and search through texts and call logs, and you listen in when he’s having a conversation in another room. Interpret the worst out of anything he says so that nothing he will do can catch you off guard.

Why it’s healthy: Jealousy is the most natural form of expressing affection. When you confront your man about the facebook message he got from a semi-attractive female, which he read and never deleted, he will realize that it was completely inappropriate to save that message, as if he was keeping a door open for another potential romance. When a man cheats on you, it can be pretty unhealthy for your relationship, so it’s up to you to behave in such a way that shows him he has nowhere to hide.

What happens if you don’t do it: If you don’t act out of jealousy and fear, your man will start to think you don’t really care about him and he’ll start searching for a woman who does. You’ll be left all alone, going over everything that went wrong, and wishing that you had just been more expressive of your love, cracking into his accounts from day one.

Habit # 6: Letting Money Solve Your Problems

"I hope this makes up for what you did!"

What it is: When you get into fights, you drop hints that the only way you could forgive him is if he lets you subscribe to all the movie channels, or takes your car in to get detailed.

Why it’s healthy: Instead of continuing to be angry, day in and day out, your problems can be easily solved by the giving (by him) and the receiving (by you) of gifts. Over time, this becomes a healthy cycle of not having to talk about the real issues, and getting bigger and better presents.


What happens if you don’t do it: If you guys aren’t letting money solve your problems, you’re probably with a guy who is too poor to buy you the things you need to move on. His inadequate bank account means that your relationship is probably doomed. You’ll never be able to move past disagreements, and you’ll never get the diamond encrusted remote control that you’ve always dreamed of.