FrEaKy FuMbLeZ: Fantasy Footballing Like A Creep
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| Follow our advice or you'll look like a rookie. |
In the interest of saving you a major headache and a minor chunk of change, we have compiled our best advice for this year's fantasy football season. You don't have to be a football fan to get some "bang" for your buck. With our advice and a little luck, you will have the fantasy football season of a lifetime.
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| Marshawn Lynch: obviously a bad choice |
Rank Your Players Based On Their Looks - While we won't argue that you shouldn't stick to the expert's rankings, we will recommend that any close calls should be based on the available player's looks. You're going to be spending the next couple months rooting for these sex machines. Don't you want the guy you're rooting for to be hawt? Hotness is not only good for the entertainment factor, it is also a great indication of a player's skill. For example: Adrian
Peterson is much hotter than Marshawn Lynch, so you’d obviously draft him
first. If you’re left choosing between Reggie Bush or Matt Forte, the hotness factor is truly a close call and personal preference will dictate (but the correct choice is Reggie, FYI).
Choose A Sexy Team Name And Icon - No one is going to take you seriously if you don't have a hot team name and sexy icon image. Try to incorporate football related words into your team name, like "Fantasy Footbabes," "The Tampa Tampons," "The Hiked Skirts," or "The Bend and Snaps." If you're playing with strangers, a sexy name and image is all these boiz have to identify you. If your name is hot, they will assume you're hot too, thus making them more likely to ask you out on a real life date. Alternatively, if you're playing with guys you already know, then a sexy name will make them remember you as hotter than you are, and they will also ask you out.
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| Save yourself for me, Calvin! |
Make Sure You Have A Solid Internet Connection - If you want to rule the season, and trust me, you do, make sure the computer you're drafting your team on has a really strong internet connection. There's nothing worse than wanting Calvin Johnson, having him 3rd in your queue, only to lose connection and end up with Josh Gordon. You will need a solid connection for more reasons than just drafting the right players. Without a good signal, you're not going to be able to...
Send Sexual Smack Talk - Sexual smack talk is really what fantasy football is all about. "But, if that's the case, why do boys usually only play it with other boys?" you ask. That's simple. Most guys use their fantasy football leagues to practice their sexy smack talk so that someday, when they finally find a girl who is willing to play with them, they can spend a whole season spewing hot lines all over her business. If you don't make an effort to send every guy in your league at least 25 sexy and unique aggressive messages a day, they're going to think you don't know what you're doing. They've spent years honing their puns, and they want a girl who makes them feel like it was all worth it. Sexy smack talk is also a great way to demonstrate how aggressive you can be. As we always say, aggression is irresistible to men and should be practiced regularly. The more you show your power and your hot temper, the more boners your leaguemates will pop.
Flirt With Your Leaguemates - Don't get us wrong, your interactions with your leaguemates shouldn't only consist of smack talking. Often times, because we've chosen such sexy players to root for, we find they get themselves into all kinds of pickles. When you're making millions a year and have access to unlimited amounts of pussy, it's really hard to believe that the laws of mortals apply to you. For this reason, some of our hottest players end up benched after a crazy weekend of partying, simply because they got caught driving under the influence. In these situations, trading is key. If you trade sexual favors for players, you're bound to come out a winner. Need a dude's quarterback? Chances are that he needs a blowie, and you've got yourself a win-win situation.
Fantasy football is a great game. It can lead to small windfalls of cash, boosted confidence from hours of flirtation, sexual encounters, and even possibly a boyfriend! With our advice, and a little luck, we're sure you'll have a fantasy season you'll never forget.
Fantasy football is a great game. It can lead to small windfalls of cash, boosted confidence from hours of flirtation, sexual encounters, and even possibly a boyfriend! With our advice, and a little luck, we're sure you'll have a fantasy season you'll never forget.
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