Winking, Blinking, and Pinking: Three surefire ways to show a man you're down with his bad self

1:06 PM Robot Love 0 Comments

The lights are low. The air is heavy with bodily fluids. Strobe lights flash in epileptic fits and I slowly slurp my Sex With An Alligator. To quote a famous poet, "From across the room I can see it and can't stop myself from looking and noticing you, noticing me." What is it that you're looking at? Do I have something in my teeth? Has my hair gone flat? No, no, no, your look is one of hunger and self-satisfaction. You like something about me. So now what do I do?

If you've got boobs, or moobs, and a pair of heels, I can guarantee that the above scenario has happened to you at least once in your life. And, like most average biotches, chances are that you've lacked the necessary skills to act on his apparent interest. You tense up, you blush, you look away. Sugarlump, if you don’t
step it up, you're going to spend the rest of your life in your mildewy apartment, dressing your cats up in prom dresses, playing "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks on repeat while the leftovers from last night's TV dinner reheat in the microwave. If this kind of existence frightens you, read on.


When a man declares his undying love for you by glancing at you from across the room, there is only one thing you can do to get him to come hither: The Wink. The Wink is a sacred art form, dating back thousands of years to the time when the anunnaki came to Earth from Planet X and taught the Sumerians their holy ways. As the years have gone by, The Wink has been diluted into its tamer counterpart, the regular wink. A regular wink might get you the chance to perform a blowjay or two, but it won't harness the sacred sexual magic of the Ancients. Fortunately, knowledge of The Wink hasn't been completely lost to us measly earthlings. I was born into the only family on the planet that can trace its lineage all the way back to the time of the Sumerians. We have kept immaculate records of our history as proof of our mastery of The Wink. Learn now, you must, young padawan.

Look at your meaty man target and peel back your lids, making your eyes wider than you ever imagined they could get. Feel your sexual energy form into a laser beam. Cock your inner raygun and beam your sexual laser light from the back of your skull, through your pupils, and into the pupils of your target. Linger in this moment for a minimum of 20 seconds to ensure you have his complete attention. While you linger, imagine a threaded needle pierce the right side of your upper lip. Feel the thread lift your lip high and away from your teeth. Allow the thread to pull your lip to its threshold. If you look in the mirror you might notice your resemblance to my grandfather, Elvis. You're looking pretty good, girlfriend. Now that you've got your scowl on, it's time for the descent. Slowly bend, and unbend your knees. As you rise, let your right eyelid fall and your lower jaw drop, showing your target the size of your mouth and the length of your tongue. When your eyelid closes, squish it shut as tightly as possible, continuously beaming the laser through your left eye, and nodding your head to the beat of the jams. If this doesn't entice him to move towards you, you've done it wrong.

If you've successfully performed The Wink and your prey is salivating in front of you, you will need to do something to keep him interested. Wait for your man to initiate conversation and enter Phase Two of your dating ritual: Blinking. There's nothing cuter than a dumb bunny rabbit; google image search that shit if you don't believe me. 9 out of 10 images will feature a fuzzy wuzzy wittew bunny wabbie. So channel your inner bunny, and lets catch us a wascaly hunk. Cock your head to the side, wriggle the shit out of your nose, cup your hands and hold them close to your chest like a T-Rex, and blink your eyes as fast as you can. He won't even be able to finish his sentence because you'll be so adorable that it will take all he's got to stop himself from pinching your cheeks and kissing your lips off. You got it going on, grrrrrrl.

So far so good, right? Now's your chance to seal the deal. Quickly excuse yourself from the bar and get yourself to the local stationery store. Pick up a few pieces of cardstock, an ultra fine point Sharpie, and some pinking shears. Head back to the watering hole and find the ladies room. Use your pinking shears to cut out at least 10 pieces of paper. Write romantic messages to your man in elaborate script. Phrases like "I can't stop thinking about you, ever," and "I love to watch you
sleep," will leave a lasting impression and score you major points. Store these little notes in your bra and when your man passes out at the foot of his bed in drunken exhaustion, hide them around his place; one in his underwear drawer, one in the roll of toilet paper, under his pillow, in his dog's food dish. Now it's time to sit back, relax, and enjoy an eternity of love and companionship with your newly found soul mate.