Three Ways To Deal When You’ve Been Dumped

10:24 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

You just can't let him go, can you?

Sigh. It’s happened again. Just when you thought things between you and the Mr. couldn’t be better, he’s gone and dropped you like a bowl of liquid poop after a night of heavy drinking. Whether you’ve been dating for a couple of days or if you’ve been fondling those balls for years on end, break ups tend feel like they are the end of the world. You weren’t enough for this one, and you have a hard time believing you’ll be enough for anyone else. You’re at the point in your life where you constantly need to ask yourself, what is the point of feeling feelings if the only feelings you ever feel end in feeling complete and utter despair?

Your friends won’t answer your calls because they think it’s time you moved on (“you only knew him for like a week!” they bitchily remind you). Your mom never calls you back anyway, even when things are going great. You’ve maxed out your PTO and you’re not even close to turning the corner. You are wallowing, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop you. WELL LISTEN UP!! You need to stop being such a pathetic, moaning worm. It’s disgusting and it gives women a bad reputation. Your first mistake was giving yourself the free time to give a single shit about a person who thinks less of you than that pair of jeans he’s had since he was 14 years old, and your second mistake was not immediately pulling yourself up by your thong straps and moving on. But you’re, hopefully, a beginner in The Dating Game, so we will cut you some slack. This week we’ll take a look into the world of break ups, starting with the three easy ways to get over your boo when you haven’t been hardwired to move on naturally.

 1. Launch an attack against him on Facebook. The only way to move on from this heart crushing loss is to become completely obsessed with your ex, so that eventually you exhaust your ability to care about him. Repeatedly post about how devastated you are as a result of his actions (and by repeatedly, we mean every 10 minutes). Not only will these posts allow you to purge every ounce of love you ever had for this tool, but they have the added bonus of bringing you sympathy from your friends and convincing all your mutual friends to end up in your camp.

His best friend: hot, eager, and available

2. Hit on all of his friends. Most people can’t move on from heartache without having a hot night of rebound action, so obviously, a rebound is your next step. When you seek this post-amour pounding, look no further than your ex’s group of friends. Not only will you get the action and affirmation that you so desperately require, you will also gain the power to end what had recently been a healthy and robust bromance. This guarantees that your ex will experience the same pain you’ve been through. The Bro Code, a list of rules that all dudes must abide by, includes the rule: thou shalt not sleep with your bro’s ex-girlfriend. Whenever this rule is broken, it usually means the end of a bromance is near. You can’t be sure your ex is sad that he lost you, but you can be certain he’ll miss those Sundays he spent tossing popcorn and pretzels into his buddy’s mouth while hulking men in spandex flashed across his big screen TV.


3. Drink until you drop. Drinking can have many benefits for a girl when she’s going through a breakup. For one thing, it impacts your ability to remember things. From the way it felt when he held you close, to the promises he made you and never kept, to the secret plans you’d made for him (like having him on your arm for your 10 year high school reunion so you could make all the bitches you used to be friends with supes jealz), it’s really important to find ways to forget. Drinking also allows you to lose any inhibitions you may have when trying to attract a replacement cuddle buddy. Bars are the most common place to make a love connection, and men find drunk girls to be the most enticing (Blurred Lines, anyone?). So bottoms up, Creepers. If you follow these simple steps, you’ll be able to move on from the Ex Mr. to the future Mr. Ex.