Creeper's Guide To Thanksgiving
Option
1: Cruise a Grocery Store
You probably thought you were the only one who doesn’t
have their shit together today. One quick trip to a grocery store and you’ll
realize you are not alone. All kinds of disasters happen on Thanksgiving. Idiot
cousins forget they signed up to bring the pie, careless grandfathers burn the
dinner rolls, and talentless mothers accidentally season their turkeys with
sugar instead of salt. For these reasons, you can bet that your local grocery
store is currently crawling with hungry, stressed out people who are
desperately trying to salvage their Thanksgiving dinner as it swirls around the
toilet bowl. Get your hot little bod down to the market, and start thinking
about the saddest thing that’s ever happened, or could ever happen to you. As
you slowly push your cart down the aisles, wiping off your tears, and wailing
like a harpooned Orca, keep an eye out for potential hottie dinner companions.
That guy bending down for the last can of green beans certainly has a delicious
looking rump. Maybe he is too old or has a ring, but the chances are good that
he’s got an eligible younger brother or son who could possibly end up being the
future Mr. Creep. When you’ve spotted your best dining option, turn on those
water works. If he’s even remotely decent, he’ll ask you what’s wrong, and when
you tell him you can’t handle the idea of another holiday alone, he’ll have to
ask you to join his family for dinner! Yes, it’s really that easy!
Option
2: Crash a Friend’s Dinner
Sadly, not all of us are talented actresses, and we can’t
always cry on command. Thankfully, this doesn’t mean you’ll be dining alone
tonight. Most of us have attractive friends, and most of those attractive
friends have attractive family members. Hopefully
you already know a little bit about your friends families, and therefore which
ones will have the highest hottie densities. Invite yourself over to one of
their houses, bottles of wine (for yourself) in hand, and greet them at the
door happily and naturally. Don’t ask if you can come in, just make yourself at
home. Odds are, they’re so stressed trying to get dinner on the table and the
family to get along, they will assume they invited you and forgot about it.
They will bend over backwards to make you feel at home since they carelessly
forgot you were coming.
Option
3: Find a Restaurant
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| You can help your man enjoy his fine dining experience |
If you don’t have any friends, you still have options!
Some restaurant owners are heartless tyrants who keep their doors open 365 days
a year. Find one such restaurant and begin to stalk your prey. Walk among the diners. You never know if the
women these men are with are wives or friends or family members. The best way
to make yourself part of the family is to approach a broad-chested, muscular
man and start rubbing his shoulders as you whisper in his ear, “How are we
doing over here?” The massage and soothing tone of your voice will instantly
relax him, and he’ll become powerless to your charms. Before they know what’s
happened, the host will have set you a seat at their table, and you’ll be
playing footsie with a dreamboat, laughing, telling jokes, and spilling your glass
of wine all over that sour-faced bitch who keeps giving the “do something” look
to your future husband.
Option
4: Check in at a Hostel
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| Look at all the potential friends and lovers |
Another place that is guaranteed to land you some dinner
companionship is a hostel. Hostels are open 365 days a year and dorm beds are
super cheap, so there’s no reason to worry that your local hostel will be
closed or that you can’t afford to stay there. One of the best reasons to spend
your Thanksgiving at a hostel is that the living rooms, dining rooms, and
kitchens are all communal areas. This means that privacy is neither expected,
nor possible. The guests there HAVE to spend time with you, they simply have no
choice! The types of people you find in hostels are, crazy as it may seem,
interested in meeting strangers, even on Thanksgiving! You will find yourself
surrounded by potential friends and lovers as you all work together to create a
delicious Thanksgiving meal. Even the hottie working the front desk will join
you if you offer him a free meal. Most hostels don’t let you drink alcohol, but
don’t let that stop you from spiking your sweetheart’s cider with roofies.
After all, you’re only steps away from a cozy warm bed.
With a little luck and a lot of listening to our advice,
we’re certain you’ll have an excellent Thanksgiving. And next year, when
someone asks you what you’re doing for Thanksgiving, you’ll be able to smile
back at them as you say “Riding my man’s hot dick, DUH.”
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