Getting Your Potty On: A Quick Guide To Bathroom Etiquette
You probably think the
bedroom is where the magic happens. Well think again!! Contrary to popular
belief, the most magical room in a house is actually the crapper. Someone could
probably write a whole book on bathroom etiquette as it relates to dating, but
you’re a busy woman who doesn’t have time for all that. In the interest of
saving you from hours of studying page after page of bathroom wisdom, we’ve
provided a quick breakdown for how to get your potty on.
What to leave in his
bathroom
After you’ve been
dating for a while, like a week, it’s time to start leaving your mark in your
man’s home. This way, all his other bitches will know that he’s taken. His
bathroom should look like a bomb of feminine beauty products went off; anti-aging
creams and Summer’s Eve sprays ought to litter his counter tops, your
flattening irons and curlers haphazardly jammed in the cabinet beneath his
sink. It’s best to choose items that couldn’t possibly belong to any of his guy
friends, and it’s second best to put these things in places that they’re
definitely going to be found.
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| This is how your bathroom should look |
Often, the amount of
product we have at home isn’t enough to establish a dominant presence in our
man’s bathing chambers. Establishing dominance in the bathroom makes
it exponentially more difficult for men to cut emotional ties. Questions like: Where
do I dump her so that I don’t end up with all her shit? and Maybe
if I can handle this, I really do love her? start to surface in his
mind. A female dominant bathroom presence inevitably leads to domestic bliss.
For this reason, you need to bring every single toiletry you own to your man’s
pad, and you also need to invest in a subscription to Birchbox, delivered to
Casa de Boyfriend on a monthly basis.
Tampons: Where Do You Put Them?
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| Leave this where people can find it! |
Many of us can feel
shy about leaving our womanly wands in a place our men can find them. This,
however, is an instinct which should be ignored. To establish bathroom
dominance, it’s essential to leave tampons everywhere you possibly can. Try
creating a DIY tampon display/dispenser by stuffing a bunch in a glass vase and
setting it artfully on the back of his toilet. Leave them in the medicine cabinet,
under his sink, in his toothbrush holder, and glue them to his walls. The more
tampons you leave, the faster his mistresses will realize that a dominant babe
already reigns over his porcelain throne.
Using his Toothbrush
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| Men love sharing |
The one thing you should
never bring to your man’s house is a toothbrush. The secret to creating
intimate relationships is to not only swap spit, but also to swap plaque, food
particles, and bacteria. Using your dude’s toothbrush has an added benefit of helping
you share germs, which means if you get sick, he does too! With just 2 minutes
of brushing a day, you can guarantee that whenever you take a sick day, he’ll
be right there with you, bringing you soup and rubbing your back as you moan,
complain, and puke your soup back up. Be thorough when you brush, scouring your
tongue, the roof of your mouth, and breathing heavy damp breaths on the brush
after it’s been rinsed. When he sees your cute, toothpaste covered face, and
realizes you’re holding his toothbrush, his heart will flood with love, and he will
instantly become yours forever.
Cutting the cheese
Flatulence can be both
physically painful and a socially awkward experience when you don’t fully
understand the Art of Farting. Have you ever stepped into a room and realized
someone has just ripped a massive cloud of egg gas? If so, you probably realize
how powerful such an experience can be. It’s imperative that you learn to
harness your wind energy to maintain power in the relationship. Did your man
just tell you he’s tired and he’s going to bed? Dutch oven that dick so he stays
up and listens to you talk about every detail of your day. Is he insisting that
you do your makeup in the living room so he can shave and go to work? Relax
those bowels and play your butt trumpet like you mean it. Spend time learning
how to cultivate your cheese so that you’re ready for any curveballs he tries
to throw you.
When to take your first poop in his presence
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| Let it all out, girls! |
There comes a time in
every relationship when you can no longer pretend you’re a perfect being who so
fully digests your food that you never poop. Many women go to extremes to hide
one of the most basic and enjoyable bodily functions from their men. From
sending him on pointless errands so you can unleash your inner demons, to
telling his neighbors that his shitter’s backed up so you can use theirs, there
are many ways you can avoid doing your duty in your man’s presence. But this is
the year 2013, and it’s time we stop letting this puritanical modesty get in
the way of a good poop! Instead of living in fear, we advise that you proudly
pop your fecal cherry early on in the relationship. A great time to do the deed
is after your first night at his place while he’s taking a shower. The scents
of your labors will waft into his nose as he lathers Rogaine into his hair, and
before he realizes what’s been done, he’ll hear your flush, and you’ll be gone.
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