Five Steps to Sex-ify Your Room
So you’ve met that special someone and you’re ready to take the relationship to the next level… the Sex Level. The only problem is that your bedroom is totally generic and bland.FEAR NOT! By following these five simple steps, you can turn snooze central into sexy station.
1. Make it sexy to the touch.
Probably the sexiest of all cartoon characters is Zapp Brannigan.
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| "Feel the sheets, Leela. They're velour. REAL velour." |
Zapp knows that the way past a lady’s panties is through her sense of touch. This is why he prefers velour anything, and it’s why we urge you to get velour everything. Velour sheets, velour curtains, heck, you can even cover your walls in velour. Remember, velour is the highest end of luxury, and there are NO substitutions.
2. Make it pleasing to the eye.
Guys like to feel like they’re living out a fantasy, which
means your room has to have unicorns, unicorns, and more unicorns. Unicorns are
sexy for so many reasons.
Unicorns are members
of the horse family, and if horses weren’t sexy, would we call men “stallions”
or say they were “hung like horses”?
“So why not just
decorate my room with horse pictures?” you ask.
That’s easy. Unicorns are sexier than simple horses because
they have horns on their foreheads, which remind guys of being erect. When a
guy sees a picture of a unicorn, he immediately gets hard as a rock.
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| One glance at this pic, and your man will grow a horn of his own... |
Unicorns also live in a realm of magic, where the sky is always pink and the clouds are always purple. These colors make guys feel sleepy, and therefore sexy. If you have unicorn posters all over your walls, unicorn costumes for role playing, and a unicorn sculpture or two, you’re guaranteed to get your man in the mood.
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| This sexy color scheme will have your man begging for more. |
3. Make
it sweet in scent.
We all know that science is super
boring, but sometimes, even science can surprise us. Thanks to some kinky dude
in a lab, however long ago, we’ve learned that there is a thing called pheromones; tiny little particles of
scent that make people attracted to each other. Everyone has pheromones, even
animals!
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| She's on Underwear Day 15! |
The thing is, if everyone has
pheromones, then how come there are so many single people out there? After
hours of research, I have discovered beyond a shadow of a doubt, the reason:
Some
people emit less pheromones than others.
If you are single, there is only
one reason: you have low pheromone counts. By wearing a pair of underwear for at
least five days, you can intensify your alluring aroma to the point of becoming
literally irresistible to all men. But why let your magnetism fade when your
panties are ripped from your bod? If you stuff those seasoned skivvies into
your pillow case, you can bet that he’ll be coming back for seconds.
4. Make it music to the ears.
When you play music, you are
sending your man a message. All men know this, and that is why they pay
attention to the lyrics of every song you play. You may think he’s just bobbing
his head to the sexy beats, but he’s actually doing complex poetic analysis for
every song choice you make. This may seem like a lot of pressure… and it is.
That's why we recommend that you infect him with Bieber Fever. Once infected, your man
will realize that he needs to look and act exactly like every woman's fantasy, Justin Bieber.
He will realize that you want him to be
your boyfriend, to never let you go, and also that he should get tight with
Anne Frank, because even she was a
Belieber.
5. Make it pleasing to the palate.
Certain foods are aphrodisiacs.
Chocolate, oysters, bananas, figs, and honey are all mild aphrodisiacs. But,
come on, serving these foods in your bedroom is too messy, and you can barely
set foot on your floor without killing about three thousand ants as it is. Lucky for
you, there is a much better solution:
Spark
a flame and hand him a Sparks.
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| Sexily pour it into his mouth to up the intensity. |
After just two of these bad boys, your man will be overflowing with energy… and semen. So buckle up, girls, and get ready for the ride of your lifetime!
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