Choosing the Right Ho-Tag
We live
in the age of advertisements. Our Facebook news feeds are crammed with them,
our youtubes are slowed by them, and our favorite man to dream about while
teasing the tuna taco makes them. Ads are everywhere, and can be placed
anywhere, which means, little lady, that you may not be taking full advantage
of the ad space you’ve been given.
“What the frick does that mean?” you might be asking.
Well,
you probably already knew that wearing a Nike swoosh across your boobs says to
the world, “I only blow athletic dudes,”
but did you realize that you can send guys messages on your SKIN TOO?!?! After
extensive amounts of research, we’ve found five lower back tattoos that even
Don Draper would be sold on.
1. The
High Class Stamp
That tee
you’re wearing with the golden crown and Princess written below it says you are totally high class. So does getting a
diamond-encrusted dollar sign, under a shimmering tiara, resting against a
zebra pelt, permanently inked upon your baby-soft upper-booty. This tattoo
tells your beau that you are not just rich, you have TASTE, too.
Good for
attracting: the ivy leaguer, the gold digger, the rap star, and the fundraising
fanatic
2. The
Island Babe Ink
Question:
What do bikinis, beach sex, crashing waves (of pleasure), Mai Tai’s, chill ho’s,
dank bud, sand rash, coconut covered boobs, and a pig with an apple in its
mouth all have in common? Answer: They are all the first things that guys think of when they hear the words “Island
Babe.” If you want his weinie to think “wahine,” get your naughty little body
down to your local ink stand and tell them you want a picture of a hula girl
riding on the back of a dolphin into a dewy Hibiscus flower. Remember: anything with Hibiscus is always classy.
Good for
attracting: the surfer dude, the sk8er boi, the middle-aged businessman, and the
bartender
3. The
Eternal Nametag
If
you’re anything close to normal, you are having ridiculous amounts of
spontaneous, anonymous sex. But sometimes you just want your man to scream out
your name as he’s riding the warm waterslide into the depths of Pleasure Pond.
To ensure that your man doesn’t forget your name when he’s three sheets to the
wind and balls deep, we recommend you get a “Hello, My Name Is…” sticker
tattooed to your derriere. Don’t forget to have the artist fill it out with
your name!!
Good for
attracting: the bar fly, the Alzheimer patient, the computer nerd, and the bro
4. The
Warning Flag
We’ve
all been burned before. Whether your man has cheated on you with your
pre-pubescent sister, or “borrowed” all of your money to feed his coke habit,
getting lied to and hurt by the opposite sex is par for the course. If you are
anxious to find love, but still feeling tender from your last beating, we
recommend you get something subtle, like a giant pair of eyeballs with the
words “Never Lie” right below them. Not only will this tattoo let him know that
you’re onto him and can easily track his every move with the GPS devices that
you’ve installed in his phone, house key, and car, but it also gives him a
beautiful pair of eyes to get lost in while he’s plowing you from behind. He
will feel safe and secure, knowing that you’re paying attention to his every
move.
Good for
attracting: the reformed cheater, the non-secular sexpot, the republican, and
the sadist
5.
The
No-No? Tat
The
sexiest thing to all men is butt sex. You may be thinking "but like, ow… " and you’re right! It doesn’t feel the best. That’s why this tattoo was made for you! All
you need to show your man that you have a butt which he
can use, but that you kind of hope he doesn’t use, is a tattoo of the words:
Exit Only. Except, you should have the artist cross out the word “Only” and
write above it “Mostly.” This way, your man knows he can pound the mound, but
not every day, and that also you poop
out of your butt.
Good for
attracting: the average Joe, the amateur porn star, the rockstar, and the
five-star chef
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