Managing your Man
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So, you’ve found your dream boy
(finally), but he’s got all this BAGGAGE. Okay, some of this baggage
isn’t going away. Those annoying parents? Yeah, you can’t send them to rot in
Florida, so you’d better just get used to having those farts around.
That really boring and UNATTRACTIVE dog he owns? It’s like his child
(thank god he doesn’t have one of those), so again, stuck with it. Then
there are the things that are easier to deal with: he has a stupid wardrobe?
Well, burn it, duh. A subscription to FHM? Cancel it, stupid.
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| Get them inebriated and then attack! |
And then, worst of all, there are those
icky, stupid, stinky, unmotivated blobs of life that he calls his BEST
FRIENDS. You know, the friends he’s known since 10th grade,
when they met and became close because they both liked smoking pot and happened
to go to the same school—ah, the stuff lifelong friendships are made of.
By this point you know that when you bring up how much you hate his friends it
doesn’t go too go well. And you’re thinking, “Help me! How do I get rid
of these guys?” If he’s had these friends as long as I’m assuming he’s had
them, they are like family to him, you just can’t disown them for him.
Also, if you tell him you don’t want him hanging out with these losers, he
might think you’re “controlling” or maybe even “psychopathic,” which is the
exact opposite image you want to cultivate for your dream lover (“I’m not
crazy, I’m not crazy!”). So you’re thinking now, “Oh my god, there isn’t
anything I can do—I’m stuck getting brunch with these ass-wipes for the rest of
my life”—but fear not, Gentle Reader, because I have some sure-fire ways to get
these boobs out of your life for good.
Information. Information. Information
The best first step to take is to learn
everything you can about these losers. In The Art Of War, Sun Tsu
says that, “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without
fighting.” But not fighting is really kind of bullshit because, Hello! This
is war. Become the invading army and probe for your enemy’s weaknesses.
Approach him like an invasive, crouching, tiger-mother. The information
you gather could potentially unlock his Achilles heel, at which point you would
be able to snap that sucker quicker than Tim Tebow in a football match to the
death—if football was the kind of sport where people die at the end if they
lose, of course. For example, you might happen to learn that he hates cats or
is allergic to peanuts—use that to your benefit: start the creative
visualizations now.
If you have to hang out with these
losers often, you have to be able to pretend you like them. This way, your
boyfriend will never suspect that you are trying to destroy his
relationships. Be friendly and likable; as Cher would say, “act like
you’re really popular.” This is very, very important. You will show how
popular you are by offering your unsolicited advice or point of view as often
as possible. Make sure to friend them all on Facebook; you’ve probably
already seen their blurry and poorly lit bar portraits pop up on your news feed
anyway. “Like” every single thing they post, even if it’s stupid, (it’s
going to be stupid) and write silly comments about them. Post your
favorite mid-nineties slow jam (think, Mariah!) on their wall with messages
like “made me think of you!” or “can’t wait to hang out again!” It’s also
important to get their phone numbers because texting is personal. Make sure to
text them all the time with messages that are sure to endear, like,
“heyyyyyyyyy----I want to set you up with one of my friennnnnds…why don’t you
send us a picture of your cock!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-}……” or something that signifies
their importance like a group msg saying “besties 4 LYFE, YOLO!!!”
Since it’s important for your
boyfriend’s friends to think you like them, use flattery. Compliment
their muscles; make sure to grab a feel; that’s how they know you’re being
serious. If they aren’t strong, comment on their intelligence, or their
video-gaming skillz, whatever it takes, just say it! Men really like
to be complimented on their sexual prowess so surprise them with compliments
like, “I bet you’re an animal in bed,” or “I’d tap that ass, tiger.”
By this time, your boyfriend has noticed
how much you like his friends and he’ll do one of two things: if he’s an idiot,
he’ll be pleased, which is fine but means you have more work ahead of you; if
he has any intelligence whatsoever, he’s gonna try to shut that friendship
down, and fast. He’ll probably stop inviting you to hang with the guys (oh
no!). He’ll probably also stop inviting them over (good grief!). He might even
threaten his friends and tell them to stay away from you! Best case scenario,
he just stops being friends with these douchebags. Ladies, jealousy is a
powerful thing—mission accomplished!!
But wait, you say, my
boyfriend is an idiot—he doesn’t even register jealousy!
Okay, in that case there are still steps we can take to seal the deal,
and if your boyfriend is an idiot you can get away with a lot here.
You powerful woman, you! You might find at this juncture of your friendship
that pulling a verbal threat on these dummies will be remarkably
effective. Pull his friend off to the side and tell him to stay out of
your man’s life. Let him know your mob-boss uncle is gonna make him swim with
the fishies otherwise. Show him you mean business by making threatening
gestures with your hand, or showing him that you’re packing heat.
But, let’s get real here, this guy is
probably an idiot too and may or may not take your threats seriously. At this point,
you’ve got to tell your boyfriend something scary, something serious: you have
to tell him that his friend tried to rape you. Okay, you’re
saying—what if he wants to go to the cops? Well, hopefully you
have at least one male friend or one butch lesbian friend who likes you enough
to give you some convincing bruises. It's important to keep in mind that,
though they may be innocent of rape, they are guilty of being lame, and you're
actually doing something good for the world by getting a couple of boring
losers off the streets, and out of everyone's hair. And at the end of the
day, if your man doesn’t give a shit about his friend raping
you, there is one easy solution: dump his ass.
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