Choosing Your Best Diet Adventure

8:17 AM Robot Love 0 Comments

Being a penis chaser these days usually means feeling insecure about your appearance 99% of the time.  If you've ever picked up a fashion magazine and then looked in the mirror, you know that, even though the doctor says you're healthy, you're actually a disgusting, overweight, cellulite-riddled sack of flab.  The good news is that thanks to our research here at Creep and modern technology, you can change all of that, and there are many ways to go about it.  If you have ever wanted to do something about hating that reflection, we have some tips for you.


A major reason thinking you look like a total loser is a big deal is because the way you see yourself is contagious.  If you believe it, not only will it be apparent to everyone around you, but also to the fat cells that attach themselves to your arm jiggle, your leg lumps and your FUPA.  Fat cells are attracted to negative thinking, so the less you think about it--the more it disappears.  Scientific studies from online universities you may or may not have heard of agree: if you think fat thoughts you become fat.  The power of thinking skinny is that, miraculously, you actually become skinny--and that is science.   

A healthy dose of pressure does a body good

Another reason you aren't at the top of your body game is probably because enough people aren't pressuring you into looking good.  If there is anything that television shows like Extreme Weight Loss, Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, The Biggest Loser, Celebrity Fit Club, Heavy, I Used to be Fat, Thintervention with Jackie Warner, Shedding for the Wedding, and Bridalplasty have shown us, it's that people will do anything in front of a camera and that when all else fails, you can always have your stomach stapled.  If you can't get yourself onto one of the oh-my-god-there-are-so-damn-many shows, where a very angry and muscular person shames you into losing weight while half of America collectively drools a mixture of partially hydrogenated oil and saliva onto its lap, then there are other options for public humiliation as your go-to method for slimming down.

One person who will give that shaming to you hard, at no cost whatsoever, is your mother.  Giving her permission to fatshame you will be like music to her ears because no matter how bad you think you look, your mom has an opinion about it that is somehow much, much worse.  If that doesn't do it for you, document your weight-loss process in a series of YouTube videos that you share with the internet.  You will get trolled so hard that the anxiety and subsequent sleep loss are sure to drop those pounds like you're ballin' in London.

An example of an official athlete.

Of course, you can always go the 'traditional' route of diet and exercise.  It may not be for everyone, but apparently exercise is good for you!  Another amazing benefit to DIY weight loss is the opportunity to meet buff dudes at the gym. From the guy who sells you sneakers to that hot hunk of man meat that spins next to you at SoulCycle, getting in shape is a great way to meet guys. Men are looking for girls who are athletic, and you officially become athletic the second you put that Nike cross-trainer on the treadmill.

Modern science is also developing new exciting ways to potentially lose weight.  As some recent studies have shown, you aren't just what you eat, you are a complex cocktail of intestinal bacteria.  Wait, what the fuck does that mean and how does it apply to my life you say?  In people who had terrible stomach diseases they have shown that by putting healthy person fecal matter in sick person intestine, what do you know?  They got better.  In doing the same thing with mice, this time giving some mice skinny person bacteria and others fat person stomach bacteria those with skinny bacteria lost weight and were much thinner than their rodent peers with the fat gut material.  While the science is still in its testing phase, you can take matters (fecal matters) into your own hands and eat some skinny girl poop.  Yeah, it is totally disgusting but relatively safe, and what do you have to lose besides, maybe, your breakfast?