Strategic Cat Planning
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| You can even take steps to make yourself look more cat-like! |
Men
love pussy. Some may call it hormones, some may call it toxoplasma
gondii, and yet others will call it good taste. For whatever the reason,
men equate cats with purrrfection.
Most
of the guys who you meet out and about on the streets are dead inside,
and it’s simply because they can’t afford to rent apartments that allow
cats. They drag their clumsy bodies home from the gym, turn on their
TVs, and stretch out their stiff zombie fingers, searching for some
fluffy feline fur to get lost in. Finding their laps empty, they pick
themselves up and head to the bar, unconsciously recognizing that they
have a special, secret yearning.
This is what they mean when they say a guy is on the prowl.
In
order to attract a man when he’s craving cat companionship, you first
have to look the part. Typically, when a woman is open to having cats,
she starts wearing certain outfits. Fuzzy cat ear headbands are a
popular and dazzling accessory. Kitten print tees are also a sexy
addition to your wardrobe. Pink compliments cat images perfectly, so be
sure to pick up shirts throughout the spectrum; from coral, to salmon,
to peony, to fuschia! In Japan, they’ve even developed designer tails
which wag when you’re excited, and ears that pull back when you’re
feeling threatened. If you sport these, you will be sending the message
that you’re ready for cats, you’re fashionable, and you and have money
to burn.
The
next obvious step is to get yourself down to the SPCA and adopt
yourself two or more cats. Men prefer that you mother more than one cat;
it shows them that you have a lot to offer, both emotionally and
financially.
Once
you’ve found the right cats, it’s time to get yourself to the local pet
store so you can outfit your place accordingly. You will need a
scratching post, a cat tree, several cat beds, at least 15 types of
feathers, an electronic mouse, a catnip plant, a tin of dried catnip,
several kinds of treats, a cat brush, a self cleaning litter box, cat
litter,a toilet-shaped water bowl, fish-shaped food dishes, and a cat
calendar for keeping track of their various doctor and salon
appointments, as well as reminders for basic health matters (ie. “Get
Mr. Fluffy a lion cut” or “Re-up on Advantage”).
When
your home is full of loving baby angels, it’s time to sit back and let
them work their magic. If you’re lucky, within a few weeks they will
begin leaving their mark. You will notice the side of your favorite easy
chair starting to unravel. Dark circles will appear on your carpets.
You’ll find litter between your toes. Soft patches of fur will highlight
the folds of your curtains and every piece of clothing you own. When
your girlfriends come over to visit, they’ll ask when the last time you
changed the litter box was. At this point, you know you are ready to
bring a man home.
The
more cat-like you can be, the quicker you will lure a guy back to your
lair. When you first lock eyes with your prey, coyly lick your hand and
wipe it on your face. While he introduces himself, purr loudly. If he
looks at another girl, hiss and scratch. This, combined with your
outfit, lets him know you’re into cats.
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| This is what most men dream of coming home to. |
And if there were any doubts in his mind at the bar, they will fade away when he steps into your house and breathes in the smells of urine and dander. He will feel immediate, immense relief, knowing he’s finally found the perfect woman, his hot cat mama.
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