Paying Men to Not Have Sex


Delicate Reader,

There is nothing like the morning after hangover where a city groans with the collective memory of one 3 am phone call looking for that special person, willing to deliver a little bag of drugs, in the middle of a blizzard—because, the snow reminded you of cocaine and then continued to do so all night long.     
This dog knows what
I'm talking about!
At your-cuddle-service.
Needless to say, that special person always exists, even on a night declared code blue.  In the morning, we remembered the night fondly but felt lonely, broken, and ready to pull an Anna Karenina in the 3rd avenue L stop.  We know what could have made the night better, the tears in the morning more satisfying, and the bed warm.            
We’re not looking for a relationship, or a one-night stand, we’re looking for a guy who will pull serious boyfriend duties and expect nothing but cash in return.  This may sound simple but the cold glaring truth is: you just can’t easily find a man to cuddle for hire.   Delicate reader, let’s wake up from our post-indulgent aches with two borrowed arms holding our shaking bodies; let’s start a cuddle service. Make sure to check back on progress regarding this very unique business opportunity.  Let our will be done. 

Hip To The Groovez

Ladies, we are no longer living in a world where the way to a man’s heart is through his belly. The phenomenon called “urban sprawl” now exists within the realms of love. Thanks to the advertising industry we’ve got to travel through the suburbs of Fashion, the towns of Cleanliness, and the cities of Employment to find ourselves en route to the destination of Amour. What’s more, a woman cannot just hop on the expressway and think she’s headed straight to Happily Ever After. A girl’s got to travel all the roads, take all the buses, and thumb all the rides. So where do I begin? you ask.
© Bettmann/CORBIS
You’re on date number one. You’ve got your filet mignon and lobster tail, which shows your guy that you can pack it in and you are not afraid to spend his cash, but something’s not clicking. He’s quiet, he’s avoiding eye contact, and for some reason he keeps rearranging the leaves of the side salad which he ordered as an entrée. Damn dude, what is UP?! you ask yourself. Honey, there’s no need to wonder any more. It’s time to show your man that you are not only hip, you are with it.

Aggressive Dating and YOU

Your heart is broken. There’s nothing left to live for. It’s the morning after what you thought was a highly successful first date and you still haven’t heard from him. You chug a fifth of Jameson and go back to sleep. Hopefully when you come to he will have contacted you.

Alas, it’s nearly four in the afternoon and the only people to contact you so far today are your stupid mom and your stupid best friend, asking about your stupid first date. The way I see it you have two choices. One. Give up on him. Throw on some clothes and go out to a bar. Get completely trashed and take home any man who’s willing to kiss your boozy, vomity, cigarette stained lips. Or Two. Don’t give up. Pour yourself a cup of coffee, give your fingers a good stretch, and get ready for aggressive dating.

How to seduce your mentally unstable co-worker at the Office Christmas Party

'Tis the season of flasks filled with eggnog, keeping secrets from Santa and holiday work parties. Everyone has an office work crush, or at the very least a guy we’d totally make sweet love to in the supply closet.
GHB is a handy tool for impressing
your special guy 

You know what I’m talking about, that special guy you pass by in the hallways, or in and out of those awkward meetings with HR. The one with whom you exchange a shy glance, have spilled water on beside the cooler, the one with bloodstains on his scuba diving penguin tie (penguins don’t need scuba gear!). 

He seems dangerous, like he’s at least imagined killing you, and that is definitely a turn-on. So maybe you aren’t going to introduce him to mom and dad (hey, always keep an open mind, ladies!) but the animal inside of you totally wants to take this guy home after your holiday work party.
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)